The Perfect Wife. A Mediocre Book.

The Perfect Wife, Blake Pierce

3 kinda stale pretzels.

I’ve been in a bit of reading funk, so I’ve been hitting up audiobooks on Hoopla. If Hoopla is available through your local library and you aren’t using it, what are you even doing? Hoopla is dope. Tons of ebook and audiobooks, and you get them for 21 days.

So, anyway, I’ve been all in on these thriller audiobooks. I gave The Perfect Wife by Blake Pierce a shot and here’s what I thought.

If, like Uncle Stevie says, the road to hell is paved with adverbs, then The Perfect Wife is the well-maintained toll road. Good god a’mighty. Every other word ends in ly. Aside from that, I had one major problem. The plots. There are two of them, and one of them is interesting as hell. The other one is full of terrible, gaslighting men. It’s tedious, so we’ll get through that one first. Jessie and her hubby – honestly, I don’t even remember his name – have moved to the ‘burbs. They’ve been accepted at a super exclusive country club and homeboy legit has the vapors. Someone get this man a fainting couch. He’s a huge freakin’ deal.

Meanwhile, Jessie is kinda dope. She’s going to school to be a profiler. Interacting with real life psychos is part of her schoolin’. Thankfully, this weird ass club she and hubs have joined is chock full of them. Anyway, Jessie gets special permission to visit a super high security facility housing the worst of the worst. She begins interviewing Brady. She has her own personal reasons for wanting to meet with him that I won’t get into because it will spoil the best part of this book. The part of the book that will absolutely make me read the second one.

Let’s get back to the douchebaggery, shall we? So, big surprise to no one, the club is a weird sex club. The men get to bang gals from Russia while the wives get unlimited Gucci bags and to have brunch whenever they feel like it. Seriously. The ladies get that laid back glamour life while the husbands get herpes. Probably.

So, Jessie finds out what’s goin’ on in da’ club and is less than pleased. I don’t blame her. Look, he husband didn’t even have the decency to tell her about the brunch perk. I don’t tolerate much, but I’m more likely to tolerate stuff if I’m kept in bloody Marys and eggs Benedict.

Again, I don’t want to give too much of the plot away because the book is decent. So I’ll get back to the actual writing. A lot of people in this book scowled moodily and smiled happily and sat in silence silently. It’s a lot. I think maybe if I’d read it with my eyes rather than my ears, I wouldn’t have noticed.

Okay, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Smoky Lynx

If it Bleeds: A Review

5 Lexapro laced pretzels for this little gem.

Uncle Stevie is back with a short story collection, possibly his best since Different Seasons.

Let’s get into to it, shall we?

Mr. Harrigan’s Phone

Creepy ass old man pays a young boy not near enough money to tend his flower beds and read to him. But the kid is sweet and kinda likes the old man despite him being a cranky butt, so he goes along with it. As a gift, the boy gets the old man a cell phone, and old man’s world is opened up. Then he dies. Then shit gets weird.

It’s classic Stephen King. Take something totes normal like a phone and make it creepy. It’s what he does best, and it works really well here.

The Life of Chuck

Told in three acts in reverse order, this story is different than his typical creep factor. But there is a really fun supernatural twist. I really enjoyed this one. Act Three, the beginning of the story, but the end of the time line, is super fun. Act Two was probably my favorite. King wrote in a fun little street dance scene that absolutely delighted me.

If it Bleeds

This is the one I was waiting for. If it Bleeds is a Holly Gibney story and I for one was here for it. Here’s the thing, kids; if you plan to read this one, you need to read four books first. I know that sounds like a lot, but what if I told you they’re all super fun, five star reads? You won’t be disappointed.

So, before cracking open If it Bleeds, read in this order:

  1. Mr. Mercedes
  2. Finders Keepers
  3. End of Watch
  4. The Outsider

You can even take a small break from reading and watch The Outsider on HBO. It has Jason Bateman in it. Do I need to say anything else? No. No I don’t.

At its core, If it Bleeds is a detective story. But a detective story with a supernatural twist, making it the perfect case for Holly. It was a joy to have a standalone Holly story, to see Jerome and Barbara Robinson again, to get to know a little bit of what makes Holly Holly.

Rat

I love it when King writes about writers. Dark Half is one of my favorites of his. You can read that review here.

Rat is about a writer who, like all of us at times, is struggling to put his ideas down on paper. He’s a wiz at short stories and makes a decent living teaching writing at the college, bu the dreams of writing a full length novel one day. Except, every time he tries, he goes completely round the bend. Like, set his own house on fire round the bend.

When he tells his lady love he wants to head up to the cabin to work on a novel, she is understandably like, “Say what???” But he goes. And things go swimmingly. He writes during the day, relaxes in the evening, is back home in a quick twenty one days. I’m kidding. It doesn’t go that way at all.

 

So, there you have it, kids. We’re officially back to the reading and the reviewing. Not quite the writing yet. Our next project is actually a three woman job and we’re trying to be responsible as possible, so we are socially distancing even from one another. It’s been a rough year, but we’ll get through it.

If you’re looking for something lighter and hilarious, check out our book. It’s $1.00. Probably the best dollar you’ll ever spend.

Okay, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Smoky Lynx

 

Guess Who’s Back in the House

Look, it’s been a minute since we’ve written a blog. Honestly, between the wildfires, COVID, the BLM movement, murder hornets, cocaine pigs, and duck army, our opinions seemed, I don’t, super unimportant.

But, we thought we’d check in and let our four loyal readers know what the hell we’ve been up to:

Drag Race

Look, we were both hella stoked about All Stars Season 5. Because Shea Coulee`, Miz Cracker, and Jujubee in the same season? What isn’t exciting about that?

season 9 GIF by RuPaul's Drag Race

Turns out, that’s about it. The cast was KILLER. I mean, KILLER. The challenges were…um, phoned in? Speaking of phoned it, what the heck was that phone call with Mama Ru in the second to last episode? Who was on the phone? Did the writers completely forget about it?

The Summer of Stevie

You guys, every summer I go on a full-blown Stephen King bender that I lovingly call the Summer of Stevie.

stephen king halloween GIF by Challenger

So far, I’ve read the following Uncle Stevie books:

    1. Colorado Kid
    2. Mr. Mercedes
    3. Finders Keepers
    4. End of Watch
    5. The Gunslinger
    6. If it Bleeds – full review coming Tuesday
    7. Bag of Bones
    8. Dolores Claiborne

That’s a whole lot of Uncle Stevie, and I am living for it.

Chess and Chutes and Ladders. We’ve been stuck inside and playing a lot of board, or bored, games. I’m a bit of wiz when it comes to chess, but I have no one to play. So, I play myself. I’m getting pretty good, too. I win about 37% of the time. We also play a lot of Chutes and Ladders. Hey, don’t knock it until you try it.

Getting out of doors. LeRoux is working on one of her little folklore projects, so we’ve been heading out to the woods looking for bowtruckles, nymphs, tree sprites, and, lord help us, Keebler elves. I’ve told her a million times that they’re simply a marketing tool to sell mediocre at best cookies – except Fudge Stripes. Those bitches are delicious – but she insists on searching for them. I have no interest at all in outside, but she has a stupid, impractical car – an orange lowrider with a Pat Benatar CD stuck in the CD player – so I have to drive her. I mean, I don’t have to, but I’m not a complete asshole. Plus, I worry she’d get lost, and she does literally everything around the house.

Turning down collabs left and right. For reasons unbeknownst to us, we’ve been getting hit up for collaborations on Insta like mad. Boutiques, jewelry places, outerwear for dogs, and, strangest of all, swimsuit companies. Have you ever seen two people less likely to model swimsuits than us? I responded that we’re in as long as all photos can be taken under a blood moon and we insist on wearing those old-timey suits with the bloomers. No one has gotten back to us.

So, that’s about it. We haven’t been doing much writing. 2020 hasn’t been good for us creatively, but we plan to be back at it soon.

Okay, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Smoky Lynx

 

Virtues are not Opinions

Our publisher is pretty amazing. They’ve articulated out feelings about the current client perfectly. So, we’ve shared their words here.

We’ve been silent for a while now. Partially because we’ve been doing a lot of
listening, praying, and grieving. Mostly because words are very hard to find when you
know they will never, ever be enough. But the time to be silent is over.
When so much is so complicated and so wrong, it’s hard to know where to start
sorting it out and cleaning it up. We’re going to keep things simple and stick to the
subject we’re best at: words. A lot of words are being thrown around carelessly with very
little, if any, thought to what they actually mean and what we’re really saying when we
use them.
Here are the words we’ll be defining:
 Belief
 Opinion
 Fact
 Value
 Virtue
 Entitled/Entitlement
 Respect

(If you’re as exhausted by certain phrases as we are, that list is probably where you
figure out where this blog is going.)
All definitions were taken from merriam-webster.com.

Belief: a state or habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some
person or thing; something that is accepted, considered to be true, or held as
an opinion; conviction of the truth of some statement or the reality of some
being or phenomenon especially when based on examination of evidence.

Opinion: a view, judgment, or appraisal formed in the mind about a
particular matter; belief stronger than impression and less strong than
positive knowledge.

Fact: something that has actual existence; an actual occurrence; a piece of
information presented as having objective reality; the quality of being actual.
Value: (n) the monetary worth of something; relative worth, utility, or
importance; something (such as a principle or quality) intrinsically valuable
or desirable. (v) to consider or rate highly.

Virtue: conformity to a standard of right; a beneficial quality or power of a
thing; a commendable quality or trait; a capacity to act.
Entitled: having a right to certain benefits or privileges; having or showing a
feeling of entitlement. Entitlement: a right to benefits specified especially by
law or contract; belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges.

Respect: (n) an act of giving particular attention; high or special regard; (v) to
consider worthy of high regard.

This brings us to the phrases we would prefer to never hear again.

“Everyone’s entitled to their own beliefs. We have to respect each other’s values. A difference in opinion isn’t worth losing a friendship.”

“Isn’t worth losing a friendship…”
Really? We ask that you stop and carefully consider how much privilege that
statement is based in. While we can’t speak for Breonna Taylor’s friends, we imagine
they feel that the enforcement of a no-knock warrant searching for 2 people who were
already in custody was not worth losing her friendship over. Her life was worth so, so
much more. We can’t speak for George Floyd’s friends, but we’re certain his friendship
was worth more than $20. His life was worth so, so much more. We could go on, and on,
and on, because the examples are coming faster than we can acknowledge them. In the
time it has taken us to outline and complete this blog, 3 more black lives have ended,
and that count just comes from the headlines we’ve seen without intentionally looking
for them. More friendships. More lives. We’ll come back to this sentence later.

“Everyone’s entitled to their own beliefs.”

That is a fact. Everyone is free to believe whatever the hell they want, whether those
beliefs are rooted in fact, virtue, respect, or not. But no one is entitled to inflict or force
their beliefs on anyone else. They’re entitled to have them. They’re entitled to speak
them. That’s it. You can choose to share and respect them or not. They have no say in
your choice.

“We have to respect each other’s values.”

No. Just, no. Virtues, yes. Values, no. A value is simply that—something an
individual person has assigned worth and value to. Whether or not what someone values
is respectable is up for you to decide; they can’t demand any more than the respect
they’re entitled to. You are obligated to respect someone’s right to life. You are obligated
to respect their right to hold and voice their own opinions, beliefs, and values. You are
under no obligation to respect the way they live their lives, or the opinions, beliefs, or
values they hold.

“A difference in opinion isn’t worth losing a friendship.”

This is a copout and we’re calling bullshit. We can’t listen to it anymore. Some
differences of opinion aren’t worth losing a friendship. We have been friends for more
years than we care to publicly count. In those years, we have held countless differences
of opinion. We’ve held many different and sometimes conflicting beliefs. We hold
shared values and unshared values. None of them have been worth losing our friendship over because, despite our different opinions, beliefs, and values, we are rooted together
by common virtues. But if tomorrow one of us wakes up, straps a swastika to her arm,
and takes to the streets with a torch—or even suggests that those who do so are “good
people”— this party is over. We’re no longer dealing with just a difference of opinion or
beliefs. We’re dealing with a diametric opposition of values with the presence of virtue
on one side and a lack thereof on the other. No shared history would ever matter if there
was such a complete break in what’s held us together.

If you’re not confronting racism because, “A difference in opinion isn’t worth losing a friendship,” then please start using the right words. “I’m opting for complicit silence because the consequences of confronting racism would be more detrimental to my life than racism itself has ever been.”

If you’re not willing to own that last statement, then start saying what actually needs
to be said. Call racism out when you see it, no matter how large or small the aggression.
Stand up to your friend, neighbor, pastor, teacher, family member, or anyone else who’s
guilty of these aggressions. They’re a lot more likely to listen to you than the people
they’re discriminating against. Educate them if you can. Approach them with love and
try to change their minds and hearts if that’s what you feel called to do. Call them out
and cut them out of your life if that’s what you feel called to do. But never, ever let them
or yourself off the hook by saying it’s not worth losing a friendship over while other
people are losing their lives.

To our friends and readers of color. We have failed you. We as a society and we as
two educated and informed white women who could never claim we haven’t been paying attention. We haven’t done enough. We have no idea what “enough” is, but until every person in this country is more outraged by the lynching of your children than the
burning of a department store, we haven’t done enough. Until every bystander is willing
to become an activist in the moment, willing to confront, name, and interrupt racism as
it’s happening—willing to swarm, overpower, and pull the racist’s knee off your child’s
neck the moment it makes contact instead of watching and filming him call for you as
his life is snuffed away—we haven’t done enough.

We have no hollow platitudes or empty excuses to offer. No past actions, intentions,
or efforts matter when the failure has been so complete. You’re still dying at the hands of
people who look like us. You’re dying because for generations, too many white people
have said things like “I didn’t enslave anyone,” or “my people had it just/almost as bad,”
and shrugged all responsibility for the broken system we inherited while holding tight to
the privileges it affords us. You’re dying because for 400 years, too many white people have given themselves permission to believe that someone can simultaneously hold
hate, contempt, and disregard for your lives and be a good person. You’re dying because
in the 165 years since the 13th amendment was ratified, there hasn’t been a single
generation with enough white people willing to admit that a giant genocidal mess was
made and still needs to be cleaned up. You’re dying because you’ve been left to defend
your right to breathe to people who don’t believe you have a right to speak, kneel,
gather, or even exist.

You’re dying and all we can say is, we know. We see you. We see them. We have
always been paying attention. We have always been trying. We have failed and for that
we are immeasurably sorry, but the burden of forgiving our failures isn’t on you. You’re
carrying too many burdens that shouldn’t be yours as it is. It’s on us to do better. To be
better. To show up more, to speak out more, to keep listening, learning, reading, and
teaching. To keep doing the work and having the hard conversations it will take to get
where we need to be. We will make more mistakes along the way. We will listen with
respect when you point them out, learn from them, and do better. We will never
question your truths, struggles, or experiences. We will likely fail again, but we will
never stop trying; we have no right to quit when you don’t have the option.

If you are looking for more resources, or ways to help. please visit the official Black Lives Matter website.

-Jessica and Ryanne

All Stars Eleganza!

Okay, so, 2020 has been a…weird year. Really, the only bright spot has been Drag Race. Season 12 has ended, but guess what? Mama Ru has blessed us with an All Stars season right on the heels of Season 12. AND I AM HERE FOR IT.

So, let’s meet our all stars, shall we?

  1. Shea Coulee: One of our Season 9 queens. She’s amazing, and I love her. I expect her to go far.
  2. Miz Cracker: It’s time for dinner!!! I love Cracker. I’m still sad about her Season 10 elimination. I’m glad she’s back for her rudemption.
  3. Alexis Mateo: BAM! Our Season 3 queen is back and she looked sickening, no?
  4.  Blair St. Claire: Our little Broadway baby is all grown up, y’all.
  5. Derrick Berry: It’s Derrick, bitch.
  6. India Ferrah: We’re throwing it back to Season 3. India is best known for getting manhandled by Mimi during a lip sync. I’m interested to see more of her.
  7. Jujubee: I have nothing but love for little Juju. I’m so glad to see her back in the work room.
  8. Mariah Balenciaga: She’s back, back, back again.
  9. Mayhem Miller: She, and her white contacts, are back in the work room.
  10. Ongina: Last but not least, our Season 1 queen. She’s presh.

The theme of this season is old versus new, hence the early season queens against our newer season queens.

And, with the new season, we get new All Stars rules. That’s right, no more lip syncing for your legacy. Well, there’s still that, but there’s no longer a top two. There’s a top one and a super special lip sync assassin. So, not only do we have a cast of killer queens, we get special appearances by other killer queens.

Also, the safe queens gets to vote on which of the bottom two should be eliminated. So, everyone’s voice counts. I think Mama Ru is sending us a message about the importance of voting.

If our All Star wins, her boob lipstick gets sent home. If the assassin wins, the safe queens’ pick gets sent packin’.

The Mini Challenge: The Library is Open

In the great tradition of All Stars, we’re kicking it off with a reading challenge. Everyone did well, but Jujubee killed it.

The Main Challenge: It’s a Talent Show, Y’all

Our queens are tasked with displaying their talent and entertaining our judges. Including special guest judge Ricky Martin. Who was a doll baby, by the way.

Our queens had a variety of talents: dancing, singing, pickle impersonations. You name it, they did it. Our top of the week was India Ferrah, with Derrick and Mayhem landing in the bottom.

I do have to say, Mariah’s performance was amazing. She did a performance art piece about oppression, fighting back, and racism. Super timely, y’all. And Ricky Martin made a point to praise her for it.

Assassin: Yvie Oddly

Yes, girl. I was stoked when Yvie was ruvealed. I was stoked, India was nervous. Y’all, Yvie is practically Gumby, and she’s already a winner, baby. She had nothing to lose. She killed it. Truly an assassin.

Yvie won, and Derrick Berry was sent packin’. Girl, bye. She’s very dramatic and I’m not feeling her.

It was a great episode, and I’m looking forward to this season.

I’m also looking forward to seeing who our assassins are.

My assassin predictions are:

  1. Kameron Michaels
  2. Peppermint
  3. Monique Heart

Are you watching All Stars? Tell me about it. If you aren’t, what the heck is wrong with you?

Okay, byeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Smoky Lynx

 

 

 

 

Drag Race Finale Eleganza!

5 Glorious, Just What I Needed Pretzels

Lookie here, I’ll be honest. I haven’t been in the best mood lately. The COVID situation was getting to me, and then the George Floyd murder happened. Blogging about dumb shows and random books seems silly and insignificant. But you know what’s pulled me through, what has helped me get through it? Drag Race. Drag Race has been the one and only bright spot in the dumpster fire that has been 2020.

Every Friday, I text LeRoux about how excited we both are about the new episode. She watches it on Friday night and sends me a Marco Polo recap. I begin my Saturday with coffee and Drag Race and send her a Marco recap. It’s literally kept me going.

This past Friday was the finale, and it was a little different than normal. Because social distancing. Our queens and Mama Ru brought us a killer finale from the comfort of their own homes. And it was glorious.

So, our top three:

Gigi Goode

gigi goode gif | Tumblr

Crystal Methyd

Sipping Drag Race GIF by RuPaul's Drag Race - Find & Share on GIPHY

Jaida Essence Hall

jaida hall | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs | Tumgir

Okay, so how does a virtual finale work?

Like this.

The three queens each got messages from loved ones, and all the messages made me cry. All. Of. Them.

Then, we had a super close up lip sync. It was all face, face, face.

We followed it up with a produced number from each of our queens.
Crystal Methyd was up first. She went full-on weird muppet with it. She was not one bird, but two birds. Lots of feathers, lots of lip action, and some regurgitation. It was quintessential Crystal.

Gigi was up next. She reenacted Take on Me, a classic. She was pencil drawing perfection.

Jaida had a wind machine, y’all. A. Wind. Machine. Or maybe her hair is just that magical? Who knows? What I do know is, she worked her entire living room. Amazing.

So, Mama Ru tells us that she’s going to eliminate a queen for the final lip sync. AND THEN SHE DIDN’T. We were treated to a three-way lip sync for the crown.

Honestly, I love all three of these queens. I would have been happy no matter the result. But I was stoked when Mama Ru crowned Jaida Essence Hall as our queen.

It is a bummer that all the best season (my humble opinion, anyway) happened amid a pandemic, but I think it’s just what we needed.

Okay, stay safe, stay healthy, and stay the hell away from me.

Smoky Lynx

Your Beard Looks Like…Murder

The Lovebirds

4 Pretzels

The Lovebirds dropped on Netflix on Friday and I gotta say. It’s pretty cute. Issa Ray and Kumail Nanjiani play a couple on their way to a dinner party that they really don’t want to go to. The night gets even worse when they get carjacked by a guy who uses their SUV to absolutely smoosh a dude on a bicycle and then leaves them looking like the culprits. They can either go immediately to jail for a crime they didn’t commit or use their very limited skills to catch the bad guy and clear their names.

Maybe it’s my early obsession with  Adventures in Babysitting but I love a movie where some boring folks get sucked into a wild night of criminal shenanigans so I was stoked when I saw this trailer. Issa Ray and Kumail Nanjiani have awesome chemistry and are both hilarious and good looking which makes what would normally be a just ok movie really fun.

It’s a joy to watch them stumble through the investigation. They get threatened with bacon grease by Anna Camp, which I suspect that some people would pay very good money for. Then they get some of the most conspicuous possible outfits to do undercover sluething in, rough up a frat boy, hit up a freaky Eyes Wide Shut Party, and even manage to swing by that damn dinner party all in the search of the murdering mustache man.

The Lovebirds Netflix Ending Explained - What Happened at the End ...

In a time when I can barely watch anything without absent mindedly scrolling through my phone this held my attention the whole time. It’s filled with great one liners and some legit action heroing from both of our leads so I absolutely suggest checking out when you need some vicarious adventure. I would give it five stars but I kind of forgot everything that happened about an hour after the movie was over. It’s not the movie’s fault though, Adventures in Babysitting sets the bar pretty dang high.

Money Mayhem And Mishaps: Money Lessons From Adventures In ...

If only The Lovebirds had a scene where they were forced to sing an impromptu blues number. I would have been all in.

Celebrivision! It’s just ok,

Celebrity Watch Party

3 Mediocre Pretzels

What’s more fun than watching celebrities watch TV? So many things! But we’re in the midst of a pandemic and new entertainment is new entertainment so here we are. This is a long way of saying that there’s a new show called Celebrity Watch Party that features relatively famous folks watching a spot of telly with their friends and sharing their thoughts and feelings about what they see. Every week a group of people including Tyra Banks and her Mama, The Osbourne family, or Master P and Romeo watch programs ranging from Bob Ross to Nailed it and let everybody know what they think.

Fox's 'Celebrity Watch Party' panned for boring premiere, fans say ...

If watching Ozzy Osbourne nap while his wife and daughter view Dirty Dancing or Romeo attempt to enthusiastically engage with The Masked Singer while Master P disinterestedly slurps from a Cup ‘O Noodles is your kink I won’t shame you but I will say that the Marco Polos that Smoky and I make about Drag Race every week are far more entertaining. Plus, mine have the aesthetic of the “found footage” from The Blair Witch Project. It’s evocative stuff.

Anyway, the best thing about this show is that you get to sample two or three minutes clips of lots of different shows. Some you might be familiar with and some will make you question the very sanity of the programming execs at The History Channel. That’s the real reason to watch CWP. You get a taste of some bananas nonsense  without ever actually choosing to watch a full episode of shows like Kings of Pain.

The concept of Kings of Pain is simple. two idiots taunt large, sometimes venomous animals into biting them, seem shocked that the process is painful, and then rate said level of pain on a scale from 1-10. This show is exclusively for bros and high people, In the segment that I watched these goofs each kept goading an agitated python until it chomps on them. They screamed and screamed and then afterwards, as blood shot out of their wounds, reflected on the fact that they could have done nerve damage or been killed. Luckily, their wives know how passionate they each are about the pain scale and support their mission. Girl, their wives are passionate about the insurance policies they have out on these dunces. That’s what they’re supporting.

Kings of Pain' star Adam Thorn lets giant python bite him

That’s the kind of content that you’ll find on Celebrity Watch Party. Is it a “good” show? No, no it’s not. it does pass the time though and Tyra’s mom is adorable. It’s the perfect kind of show to fold laundry to or have on in the background while you do housework. So, while I’m not enthusiastically recommending this one I can say that if it’s on and you happen to be in the room you won’t hate it. Sometimes that’s enough.

Drag Race Eleganza

5 Pretzels.

You guys, we’re nearing the end of, dare I say it, my favorite season of Drag Race ever.

Per usual, this week’s episode was super fun. Let’s get into it, shall we?

The Aftermath

Our Miss Heidi Good God Almighty Afrodite went home, and everyone, and I mean everyone, is sad about it. Even the universe. Just as Jaida was about to wipe away her message, the lights went out. I thought it was a Ru joke, but it wasn’t. It was a legit power outage. Anyway, someone fixed it – probably Sarge – and we were back in business.

The Mini Challenge: No ma’am.

We have lyrics to learn, lyrics to write and record, and a dance number to learn. Ain’t nobody got time for a mini challenge.

The Main Challenge: Rusical!!!

Our queens were tasked with writing a rap for Ru’s Vegas show. They were also tasked with learning the words and choreography for a fun little number, or three. Because it was three. It was a whole heck of a lot to cover, but our queens did it.

Even Jaida. Who, quite honestly, sounds like a goose when she sings. You know, I find comfort in her inability to sing. It just proves that she is, in fact, human. I’ve had my doubts. No one looks like that, is that kind and funny, AND gets to be a great singer.

So, yeah, typically I get really nervous about these types of challenges, but these queens are so good I wasn’t worried. It was a relief to not be worried. I’m a Virgo. I’ve been worried since 1982. This episode, though, I knew they’d pull it together.

Category is: Eleganza Extravaganza!!!!!

This was maybe my favorite eleganza ever and here’s why. Typically, we get five stunning gowns. This season, they mixed it up a bit. Sure, there were gowns, but there was also camp – and not from our self-proclaimed camp queen. We had velvet and blue paint. We had personality. Here’s the breakdown:

Jackie: Andy Warhol realness. Jackie wore pop art style gown that I was feeling. I loved, loved, loved her blue shoes.

Crystal: Genie in a bottle, girl. She wore head to toe blue velvet and I was there for it.

Gigi: Brace Face! Okay, Gigi went full ’70s prom down to the ruffles and bowtie. And she added a signature Gigi twist, accessorizing with full head gear. Gigi is everything.

Sherry Pie: Some bullshit about Mae West.

Jaida: GIIIIIIIIRRRRRRLLLL. I can’t even talk about how beautiful she looked. She’s perfect.

My favorite looks:

  1. Crystal Methyd
  2. Gigi Goode
  3. Jaida Essence Hall
  4. Jackie Cox

Yep. I liked everyone but Sherry. I know you’re all shocked. Here’s the thing, I don’t think I would have liked it regardless of my feelings about her. I only have room in my cold, cold heart for one fake Mae West, and it isn’t Sherry Pie. It’s Alaska. Duh.

So, anyway, I wasn’t feeling Sherry.

My least favorite:

Sherry Pie. 100%. Always.

And the Winner Is: 

Gigi Goode

Little Baby Gigi won the final challenge of the season. It was a really good week for her. Though I was not wild about her chaps outfit, she did a wonderful job, looked stunning, and made that ass slide work.

The Bottom Two of the Week:

Jackie Cox and Crystal Methyd

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Lookie here, I love both of them. But we’ve come down to report cards, folks. Crystal was a late bloomer and Jackie, though killin’ it in the mini challenges, never won a main challenge. These gals are so good, it’s come to numbers.

Guest Judge: Jamal Sims

Jamal Sims is a regular on the show, coming up with boss choreography for all our queens. It was nice to see him on the judges’ panel.

Quote of the Week:

I don’t have a quote this week. What I do have is a fondness for all of these queens. The banter back and forth in this episode was delightful and wonderful. But I guess the stand out moment had to be when Jackie said she really noticed Jaida had mad make up skills during the imrov challenge. I’d like to remind you that Jaida was a sad apple for that challenge. A beautiful sad apple. And Jackie took notice.

Random Notes from the Week:

The only thing I would change about this episode is the fact that anyone got sent home. It was easier to handle the blow knowing that Sherry has been disqualified, and I’m 109% sure Jackie will be back for the final four. The final four I’m super stoked for.

Thoughts on S12E12? Tell us in the comments.

Okay, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Smoky Lynx

At the Water’s Edge: A Review

2 Pretzels

At the Water’s Edge, Sara Gruen

Hey, Fort Smithians, Smoky Lynx here, and I have the most unimportant news ever. I read a book about privileged rich kids and, boy, was it only mildly entertaining.

While the book opens with a scene set in Scotland, a woman who has just lost her child getting word that her husbands is MIA, presumed dead because there’s war on, it takes an abrupt turn. This book is about three absolute knuckleheads. Spotted: Maddie the It Girl of the season, Ellis her rich as hell husband, and Hank the ladies man. They’re attending a New Year’s Eve party where they are being insufferable Chuck Bassholes. These three are absolute garbage. The boys are pretending to be sad that they can’t serve, and Maddie is pretending she’s not on the verge of passing out because she never eats food. They make right asses of themselves.

At noon the following day, when Ellis and Maddie climbed out of separate beds – they live at his parent’s house – they discover that word has gotten around that they’re douchebags. I’m not sure why anyone is surprised. Didn’t they already know?

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Anyway, to prove everyone wrong, the boys concoct a scheme to go to Scotland and prove that Nessie is real. That’s right. In the middle of WW2, these three throw all their time and resources into going to Scotland to take a picture of the Loch Ness Monster. The plan may seem absurd, but there’s an actual backstory involving Ellis’s father where this idea makes sense. I refuse to get into it. I won’t and I shan’t.

Anyway, they arrive in Scotland where their privilege sticks out like a sore thumb. They are demanding, whiny, rude, and flabbergasted that people aren’t falling all over themselves to serve them. The dialogue is basically this, “Why don’t you have meat? Why is there no electricity? This air raid horn is really killing my buzz. Why is the bunker so far away? There’s no whisky in the bunker? But, whhhhhyyyyyyyyyyy?”

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So, at this point, I almost gave up. But the Scots saved the book for me. The Scottish characters were well-rounded, well-developed people who refused to take any of Ellis or Hank’s shit.

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So, here’s how it all played out. Ellis and Hank are basically day drinking away their time. Maddie forms relationships with the women who work at the inn where they’re staying, drawing further and further away from Ellis and Hank. So far away, in fact, that she ends up hooking up with the man running the inn. Turns out, he’s the MIA soldier from the beginning of the book. That’s right, Angus ISN’T dead and his wife needn’t drown herself in the Loch. Some other things happen, but I would suggest that anyone interested in this exact same story read Water for Elephants instead. It’s a much better book and it features an elephant who understands Polish. What isn’t to love about that?

I love Water for Elephants, so I was excited to read this book by the same author, but it’s just too similar to her superior book.

So, that’s all for now.

Stay safe, stay healthy, and stay the hell away from me.

XOXO,

Smoky Lynx