Let Me Get My Coat

Ok, so obviously this blog is stewing with spoilers so don’t read if you for some reason haven’t watch 1666 yet. Or do, who am I to tell you how to live. Just be warned.

When I sat down to watch 1666 I was so hype and then my hype did diminish just a tad. The first half of 1666 is a very good example of a genre of horror that I’m just not about. You know the type-everyone needs a shower, animals die in cruel and foreboding ways, and there’s always some kind of busybody goat or something running about asking provocative questions. Just not my thing. It does very much remind me of The Crucible and is an excellent example of how the patriarchy and mass hysteria bloom and destroy the innocent. And, you guys, I must offer my sincerest apologies for any shit I talked about Sarah Fier in my previous blogs. I should have known better. How could anyone named Sarah be all that bad?

Who Plays Sarah Fier In Netflix's Fear Street Movies?
My bad, girl.

Sarah Fier is a legend. Such a brilliant badass who managed to lay a curse on her persecutors and finally got those bastards. Good for her. It was also lovely to see the actors from the first two movies back and alive. It also supports my whole reincarnation belief. That these souls have been trapped in a toxic cycle. Each playing their parts until finally they make the progress to break that cycle and move on to new things. My favorites here were knowing that even Kate’s ancestors were clever shitstirrers and also that Cindy Berman’s past self was having all the sex and drug fueled fun that Cindy never let herself enjoy. Get it, Abigail Berman! I also really appreciated all of the call backs to the first two movies that we get in 1666. They made me happy.

Fear Street Part Three: 1666 review: Is final installment worth the watch?
Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?

So, you can imagine my excitement when the movie went back to 1994 and we picked up with our original crew. Here’s a thing about me. For a horror movie to really work I want heartfelt speeches before the final battle, some laughs (“You smell like an androgynous baby’) and a clever Scooby Doo type scheme to stop the bad guys. Part 2 delivered all of those things. It also brought Martin back into the story and I think that character is so great. Like, so great.

It’s nice to see these kids laughing for once

I also loved that they were like, “Sheriff Goode is fully an evil (douche) wizard and he absolutely knows that we know so a whole army of killers in going to descend at any moment. Totally need to get ready to fight. Totally. But first, let’s break into a Gadzooks and spray paint this whole ass mall with insulting blacklight graffiti. You know, for ambiance”. Because I would do the same thing. Good job y’all.

Review: Netflix's Fear Street trilogy is six hours of decent horror cosplay
Ok, NOW we can fight evil

And that Scooby Doo plan is epic and fun. The last 45 minutes of the movie are so tense and thrilling. The supersoakers filled with neon blood. The way that our first round of killers slither into the space walking right past the terrified good guys. Trapping them with the security gates, spraying the killers with the blood so that they go after each other. That was so fun you guys. And I love that Ziggy got to Carrie that piece of shit Nick Goode.

Fear Street' trilogy: Netflix's villains all have killer inspiration
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for you meddling kids!

While we’re at it let’s talk about the pure evil that is the Goode family. So selfish, all of them. They’re sacrificing all of these lives, putting a whole community through constant oppression, and for what? McMansions, so that Nick can be the lame ass town sheriff and live in a creepily ornate and immaculate house? Like, you’re willing to sell your souls for that? Fuck outta here with that mess. And then when this asshole does show up to the mall to kill some more innocent people has is 100% weak sauce.

Like, I genuinely think that he believes that he cares for Ziggy. Somehow he allows himself to believe that but as soon as stuff goes sideways he’s absolutely willing to sacrifice her. Dick. AND THEN he’s such a chicken shit that the second he get’s a little knife wound he runs straight away and summons a supernatural 8 year old with an admittedly terrifying mask and a baseball bat and a teenage choir girl gone evil to do the dirty work for him. What a freaking wuss. For real, fuck that guy.

Review: Teen horror goes 17th century in 'Fear Street Part Three: 1666'
You’re gonna get your ass kicked Goode!

I did love the final sequence when Deena is chasing his wounded ass through those creepy rock tunnels that ole granpappy chickenshit built. They way that it’s the reverse of the 1666 sequence. Goode is the prey now and is fully gonna get ended by a pissed off 17 year old lesbian. Never fight a teen in a mall Nick Goode. They are at their peak powers there. Like Sydney Prescott on a set of stairs they will kick your ass every time. I also loved that when Goode touched that horrible pulsing goo Sarah came back and chanted that very powerful and eerie curse at him while he was surrounded with visions of the people who died by his family’s hand. Good(e) stuff.

And the queer kids lived this time! Which is lovely. I also appreciated the bulletproof vest made of Fear Street books that Deena made herself. It felt very like a shout out to Wynonna Earp which I appreciated. So the good (not Goode) guys won and the curse was lifted. It was lovely to see the immediate shift after the curse was broken. Seeing Deena and Sam tracking mud and blood all over Goode’s immaculate carpet and emerging from his fancy ass house just in time to see a Sunnysider get hit by a garbage truck. It sounds terrible but I did laugh at that. I also laughed at the post it by Deena and Josh’s front door that said, “I’ll be home for dinner. DON’T COOK. Love Dad”. And Martin trying to hustle his early MP3 player at the school. Josh finally meeting his goth crush in real life. And Deena and Sam having burgers and making a headstone for Sarah Fier as Gigantic plays over the end of the movie. And I got a little teary when Ziggy knocked on Nurse Lane’s door to give her back her journal. It was so sweet when those two hugged.

download and watch online fear-street-part-three-1666 movie
Oh, shit. Was that a Mercedes?

Of course that’s not the final scene. I knew that they shouldn’t have left that dang spellbook just laying around in the underground murder caves. Can’t say I’m mad about it though. I love that they could potentially do a Marvel style universe of spin-offs and prequels in this Fear Street universe. What movie would you like to see? I’m thinking I want a Ruby Lane movie because out of all of those murderers Ruby is the scariest. Something about the way you can hear her singing that spooky ass song combined with a straight razor is terrifying. Anyway, good game Fear Street. I’ll be rewatching the whole trilogy come October and I hope you’ll do the same.

Fear Street' trilogy: Netflix's villains all have killer inspiration
Billy and Stu? I don’t know them.

Keep That Thing Away From Major Tom

Alright kids, first things first. This blog is just spattered with spoilers so if you haven’t watched the movie yet read at your own risk.

Picking Up My New Spoiler! BIG WING! - YouTube

I’m so truly impressed with what these movies are managing to do. If you told me some movies based on Fear Street were gonna revamp horror entirely I would have been as shocked as the people who have seen this ridiculous car in real life. Which is to say that I loved 1978 ( go figure).

So, I’m not going to go into the plot too much. Deena and her little brother haul her possessed girlfriend over to C. Berman’s-the only survivor of the Camp Nightwing massacre- house. Which is just entirely rude. But after much pleading the mysterious C. Berman tells the kids the story of the worst night of her life in the hopes that those fools can find something useful in it.

And, here’s the thing that people don’t like to dwell on after the movie’s over, to be a final girl you must survive absolute horror. Then you must carry that horror with you for the rest of your life. Every final girl is deeply and profoundly traumatized. Maybe they survived but that’s all they can do. Their dreams are restless, bloody things haunted by the faces of their dead friends. By their killer. Even the brightest day is filled with hidden shadows and unseen horror. It’s not a pretty place to be. So, when you’re that girl. The final girl that’s now a haunted woman, and two random strangers break into your kitchen in the middle of the night you’re a damn saint if you don’t murder them yourself. It’s even more gracious if you’re willing to open those barely healed wounds and tell those twerps every detail of your trauma but that’s what Ziggy Berman does.

Ziggy tells you about the massacre. About the night she stopped living and started surviving. She tells you about how her hope died as she desperately tried to reach her sister’s hand across a few feet of blood soaked grass.

Fear Street Part 2: 1978 Ending & C. Berman Twist Explained - 24htinnhanh
I’m not crying. You are.

You know what the movie’s about. A bloodthirsty killer roaming among the innocent at a summer camp. People-a lot of people die- and it’s scary and heartpounding and very entertaining to watch. The thing that makes 1978 my favorite though is that this is the heart of the trilogy. It’s a summer camp massacre movie but it’s also an exploration and tribute to the bond between siblings and best friends. It’s about the fact that even though these Shadyside kids are literally cursed. Are broke and discriminated against. That they have no future-at least not one that doesn’t involve holding down two jobs- and probably a broken marriage. Debt, addiction, you name it. Either the curse kills them directly or indirectly and maybe the ones who die quick are the lucky ones. Still though, they fight.

FEAR STREET 1978 "You are going to be hanged, witch!" (2021) Fear Street 2  – FilmsActu
Get ’em Ziggy.

They fight to live, to fall in love, to find a way out of that town. To break the curse. And through all of that they remain good people which is brightly contrasted with the outright sociopathy of the Sunnyside kids. You can never trust a Sunnysider. They may fool you for a minute but they’ll sell you out to save their asses every time.

Jerk.

1978 takes the time to let you know the characters. It even takes the time to let you know the killers. It tells you how poor Ruby Lane was such a sweet kid before the witch possessed her. How much her mother loved her. It makes sure that you realize even the killers are unwitting victims of the curse. And that’s quite a feat to pull off.

Of course, it’s also filled with great acting and the music in this one is even better that the last. With the Velvet Underground crooning Sweet Jane during the love scene this time and bookending the movie with Nirvana and David Bowie’s versions of The Man Who Sold the World. It looks great too trading in the neon splashed vibe of 1994 for 70’s era oversaturated sunlight. Of course it moves the frame story along too and although I’m excited for 1666 no moment of this trilogy will top the last shot we see of Ziggy Berman.

Because, folks, Ziggy Berman is pissed. She has hope again for the first time in so long. Maybe her sister didn’t die in vain after all. Maybe they can actually break this fucking curse once and for all. The witch better watch her ass because Ziggy Berman is ready to fight. She may have to sacrifice herself but she’s ready to finish what her big sister started.

Why C. Berman From Fear Street 1994 Looks So Familiar - Flipboard

The Only Thing to Fear is Fear Street Itself. Also That Guy With an Ax

Hey, frens! I’m back, back, back like Michael Myers rising from the undead to talk about the new Fear Street movie trilogy on Netflix. Now, I know what you’re thinking, that sounds cheesy as hell. I thought so too but then I got bored and watched the first one and they’re really pretty darn good.

I’m going to try and discuss the movie without giving much away because it’s pretty clever but I will tell you the the movies are all set in the quaint town of Shadyshide aka the murder capital of the world and that all three movies are connected, with each taking place during a different time period. 1994 kicks the series off and serves as the frame story that makes all three movies work together. I love me a frame story y’all. If they had called this movie Fear Street: A Hella Fun Frame Story I would have watched it the moment it released. So, way to bury the lead Netflix marketing.

The idea is that each movie will kind of recreate and reinterpret the style of horror movies popular in the era that they’re titled after. Well, except for 1666. They didn’t really have movies of any sort but I’m sure they had, like, slasher daguerreotypes collected together and labeled Ye Old Scary Story. This would admittedly be a tough vibe to recreate but I’m stoked to see them try.

The current 90’s nostalgia means that 1994 is a perfect place to kick off the series and the clothing, technology, and music are right on the money. I will warn you that they play around 7000 songs in the movie which feels like overkill (pun intended) but the closest thing the movie has to a love scene is set to the Cowboy Junkies cover of Sweet Jane. That song is indisputably sexy as hell and so more than makes up for their use of Machine Head by Bush. 1994 also mentions Spencer’s Gifts, B. Dalton’s bookstores and so many other little things that make my dinosaur ass nostalgic for my (long ago) youth.

The trailer tells you all you need to know really but, listen, I want to tell you that the director had the cast watch Scream (my all time favorite horror movie) and The Goonies to help them understand the vibe that she wanted to capture with the movie and also made them all mix tapes filled with songs to help each of them connect to their characters emotional arc. That is some nerdy ass shit and I love it. If that information doesn’t make you want to watch this movie immediately there’s probably something wrong with you. No judgement but there is.

The opening scene is a straight up and very intentional homage to Scream but the rhythm and characters are very much their own thing.

Fear Street: Trailer Drops for Film Trilogy Based on R.L. Stine Books |  PEOPLE.com
It was Jason’s mom! The answer is Jason’s mom! Trust me, Maya Hawke!

I really like that because these kids are the kind of marginalized characters that would be cannon fodder in most horror movies. They are not wealthy, not white, not particularly clean cut, not virginal, not entirely straight and all of ’em are from the wrong side of the metaphorical tracks. It’s refreshing. Fear Street 1994 is not the kind of horror movie that will give you nightmares but it’s suspenseful and engrossing. There’s a lot of mythology/backstory (my favorite) that it mages to set up as it hauls ass through a series of abandoned and neon splashed, malls, high school hallways, and hospitals.

The thing that makes this trilogy particularly bold and ambitious is that all three movies were filmed at the same time and Netflix is releasing them over the course of three weeks. 1994 dropped on 7/2, 1978 dropped on 7/9, and 1666 drops on 7/16 so the interconnected nature of the plots and the clever storytelling devices that all three movies use really sing in an immediate and visceral way that they wouldn’t if audiences had to wait a year or two between films. It also makes for a very fun viewing experience.

I’ve heard people lament that Netflix didn’t release these movies in October for maximum spookiness but I disagree. I used to spend many a night of summer vacation staying up late and watching scary movies. What better time to fully immerse yourself in those summer camp bloodbath movies than to watch them while being blasted by the arctic chill of air conditioning with fireflies buzzing outside your window? These movies are made for a triple feature at the drive in. In fact, I hope they do that for October. I would be so in. I’ll certainly rewatch them for Halloween month. I’ve seen two of them and they just keep getting better. So, if your a Freddy Fan, or a Ghostface thriller, or if you want Jason More-hees of some fun horror movies then lock your doors and windows, cook yourself up some Jiffy Pop on the stove. DO NOT answer your phone and check out this super fun trilogy.

Racers, Start Your Engines

We’re back with a new theme song and some old girls.

That’s right, it’s All Stars time and, you know what? I’m here for it…for the premiere, anyway. Because, I’m sorry, my dears, but I’m not signing up for Paramount+. But I did watch the hell out of the premiere, so let’s get into it, shall we?

The Cast:

A’Keiria C. Davenport (Season 11)

Jiggly Caliente (Season 4)

Jan Backpack (Season 12)

Ra’Jah O’Hara (Season 11)

Ginger Minj (Season 7, AS2)

Yara Sofia (Season 3, AS1)

Silky Nutmeg Ganache (Season 11)

Pandora Boxxx (Season 2, AS1)

Scarlet Envy (Season 11)

Serena ChaCha (Season 5)

Kylie Sonique Love (Season 2)

Trinity K. Bonet (Season 6)

Eureka (Season 9,10)

This cast, y’all. With SEVEN people of color, two transgender women, and four full bodied gals, this is the most diverse cast we’ve seen so far, and I’m thrilled. I was initially concerned about Silky and Eureka being on the same season because, girl, that’s a lot of personality. And sometimes not a great personality. But, so far so good. I love season 12, so was stoked to see Jan, who does not seem to have chilled even a little bit. Like someone said, Jan is so uptight, she doesn’t need to tuck. But, hey, I get it, and I happen to enjoy her level of lunacy and determination to win. I expect she’ll slay the competition…perhaps literally.

men are trash, cishets too. — Gay's Anatomy - 12x05
#isgigiokay

The Mini Challenge: The Library is Open

Oh, wait, there’s one final queen who needs no introduction. Our legendary special guest…Miss Piggy. Yep, because everyone love puppets! < I can’t believe no one made this joke on the show. They were clearly too star struck. And who can blame them? It’s not everyday you have a Zoom meeting with Miss Piggy, the queen of shade.

Pin on Kindheit

It means you’re the best, Miss Piggy.

The reading challenge is hit or miss. With 13 queens, not all the reads are going to be funny, but this was a pretty good one. A few duds here and there, but Scarlet came through with a zinger, calling A’Keiria the realest person she knows…from the waist up. #datass Miss Kylie told Ginger she was shaped like a deep breath, which would be mean, but her delivery saved it. And Ginger famously ribs on her size all the time, so it’s cool. Speaking of Ginger, she killed it, remarking that, based on the cast, her cholesterol is higher than Ru’s standards. Hilarious. Plus, she was dressed like a toad, which automatically makes her the winner. #glamourtoadforlife

Pin on <3 Drag

The Main Challenge: Star-Studded Variety Show

Most of our ladies sang/danced, so I’m going to hit the high points only.

R’Jah sewed and got into a dress in 60 seconds. Like, a legit dress people would wear. And, like Michelle pointed out, she could bust out 60 in an hour and make a killing. #makethatmoney

Scarlet did this really cool burlesque routine that involved bubbles. Who the hell doesn’t love bubbles?

Silky can play the piano.

Jan needs to star in her very own superhero cartoon.

Yara…Yara did something with a breast plate that I don’t really know how to describe, but it was hilarious. She won the challenge.

Our bottom queens were Serena ChaCha (sing/dance) and Trinity K. Bonet (comedy). I was bummed to see TKB bomb. She tried to make the most of her season 6 standup success, and she just fell flat. She was nervous as hell. But, as she pointed out, nerves are a sign of caring. I think she really wants to be there and, ultimately, the gals sent Serena ChaCha packing…or did they?

Yara went up lip sync assassin Coco Montrese and lost. I mean, it was a good effort. Coco is just a damn good lip syncer. Season 5 was stacks on stacks of talented queens, so there’s no shame in losing to any of them.

As Serena was leaving, Ru was all like, “Not so fast, gal.” So, we have another All Stars twist. The real gag is, I won’t get to see it. In a move that is confusing, Drag Race All Stars has been moved to Paramount +, which I do not have. I’m not signing up for it. I won’t, and I shan’t. I already have 84 streaming services, and I’m not looking to make it 85. So, until this season is readily available, I guess I’ll be skipping it and recapping some of my favorite episodes from seasons past in lieu of recapping this season that I am actually hella excited about.

Alright, that’s all for now. Have a good week and, in the words of our queen Ginger, “Life is hard. Eat a carb.”

Smoky

Sour: It’s Pretty Sweet

4.5 Pretzels – just some good, solid, fresh ass pretzels. You know the ones.

A few days ago, a youth recommended that we listen to Olivia Rodrigo’s album, Sour.

To clarify, we know this youth. We aren’t just hangin’ around young people in an effort to stay cool, or are we? Anyway, always slightly behind, I finally got around to giving it a proper listen and, you guys, it’s dope as hell.

We open with Brutal. And I need to point out that I super enjoy how she rhymes “smart” with “park”. It’s not an obvious rhyme and those are my favorite kind of rhyme. And, y’all, she’s right. It is brutal out here. Brutal is a bop and, just when you think it’s going to be an edgier album, Rodigo flips with script with, like, four love songs in a row. Which is 100% not my jam. Here’s the thing, though, they’re good. They aren’t sappy in the traditional sense and Drivers License has this fun clapping situation that reminds me a little bit of Close to Me by The Cure. Anytime you bring Cure vibes, I’m there for it. Like, showing up with my best casserole dish, we’re here for the long haul there for it. Robert Smith, love song genius. I love him. Also, many years ago, we used to have Sunday cookouts with a group of friends. We would drink entirely too much Miller Lite and, one time, we spent a good two hours listening to Close to Me and trying to clap along in all the right spots. Try it; it’s really hard.

Ah, the good times. Fuzzy, but good. Sunday cookouts were the best. Except that time one of our attendees turned out to be a murderer, but that’s a story for another day.

Anyway, back to Rodrigo. She drops far too many fucks for any of these songs to be considered sappy. And, this came as a huge surprise to me, she uses a ton of double negatives and, not only do I not hate it, I think they improve the songs. Like, I’m sure she is aware of the word “anyone” but just refuses to use it, insisting on “no one” instead. It’s a bold choice, and I commend her for it.

I first noticed it in Happier, but she does it on a few tracks. Good for her. I dig it. Happier also gives me You Oughta Know without ALL the rage vibes. Like, she’s mad, but not burn down your house mad.

In fact, I did myself a solid and listened to Reputation by T Swift, Jagged Little Pill, and then Sour consecutively. I was able to maintain a low-level dislike of men in general for the entire day, and it was rad. Like, I wasn’t mad at all of them; I just wasn’t going to take any shit from a single one of them.

I also just learned that O. Ro – that’s a nickname I just made up – was on a show called Bizaardvark. I haven’t a clue what that means, but I love it. I may need to ask a youth to explain it to me.

So, the point of all this is, take advice from a youth and give this album a listen, and also maybe vet your cookout attendees before allowing them to come to your home. Just because someone brings the name brand chips does not mean they’re a good person.

Okay, byyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Smoky

Summer of Stevie: Get Into It

You guys, it’s that time of year again! Summer time is Stevie time, and I have gotten a jump start on it.

First up, Carrie.

5 Classic Horror Flicks to Get You in the Mood for Halloween | Carrie  white, Carrie movie, Stephen king

That’s right. I started at the beginning. I’ve read a lot of Stephen King, but I’ve never read his debut. The premise, I knew. Bullied telepath with a deranged mother has a bad day. But I didn’t realize the level of destruction Carrie reigns down on these fools. Guys, she destroys that place. And a lot of them deserve it. But a lot of them don’t. Many of them were innocent bystanders. My favorite parts of the book were the interviews and telepath articles interspersed with the story. It was unlike most of Stephen King’s books, but you can definitely see elements that would later become signature King.

The Running Man

Running Man GIFs | Tenor

Side note, LeRoux, Lowhan, and I had a Thai Breaker a few weekends, and we totes did this dance about it across my kitchen. What is a Thai Breaker, you ask? It’s when you order $200 worth of food form two competing Thai restaurants and then you eat all of it. The best part was when our Waitr drivers showed up at the same time. They were confused, and we were delighted.

Back to the books. Y’all, this is my very first Richard Bachman. What have I been waiting for? Richard Bachman is dope. Basically, it’s the future, people are starving, and the Network provides entertainment by having poor, desperate people compete on game shows where they die. It’s not great. But I guess that’s entertaining? I don’t get it. This book taught me that Suzanne Collins had not one single original idea when it came to The Hunger Games. She essentially took The Running Man and Battle Royale, put them in a blender, and made millions of dollars. I mean, props to her, I guess.

Second side note, I’m not sure why Arnold was cast as Ben in the movie adaptation. Ben Richards in the book is a buck sixty. Anyway, the book was dope, and I can’t wait to read more Bachman.

The Dark Half

I’m doing a reread. I love The Dark Half, and it just seemed like reading it again was the right decision. I’m not going to rereview it because I already wrote an awesome The Dark Half review. You may read it here. So, obviously, I dig The Dark Half. It’s creepy, it’s fun, and I think George Stark is kinda funny. I mean, it’s a murdering monster man, but he has a good sense of humor.

Cameron Post: A Review

5 Pretzels.

Hey, gang, it’s been a minute. I haven’t blogged in a minute, but not following your own arbitrary blog schedule is not a crime. I know that because I just finished taking a law class. Finished yesterday, as a matter of fact.

Let’s get into this blog, shall we?

For book club this month, we read The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily Danforth. And, y’all, it’s so good.

A Synopsis, In Brief:

It’s the ’90s, Cameron Post is a young teen living in Montana, and she happens to be queer. Her parents die tragically and, through some teenage logic, she thinks they died because she was making out with her friend Irene. It’s totally not her fault, but it’s hard to argue against your own teen logic. Cameron and Granny Post are alone, kickin’ it, until Aunt Ruth swoops in to save the day. Aunt Ruthie makes some new rules, one of them being that they need to switch churches. She and Cameron join a church called God of Praise or some shit. Anyway, it’s abbreviated GOP and, if there’s one thing I know for sure, the GOP is not a good place for girls, women, or the Q+ folks.

Over the summer, Cameron kicks it with a few gals, but Colely Taylor is her main squeeze. Except Colely wants to keep it secret because she has a boyfriend. She also, for reasons I don’t really understand, her mom got her her very own apartment. So, Colely has her own place, her boyfriend is out of town, and she’s invited her secret girlfriend – who is totally infatuated with her – over to “hang out”. Things go as you would expect when two teens who are into each other are left alone and have access to rum. Probably very sweet gross rum. They’re, like, sixteen. Colely’s brother shows up – by the way, his name is Ty Taylor. He is absolutely as douchey as he sounds – catches them post act, and senses that something is going on. Cam leaves, Colely spills the tea, and Cameron gets blindsided. Like, absolutely blindsided. Blindsided and shipped off to a place called God’s Promise. Oh, girl, God’s Promise. What a load of shit.

God’s Promise is a conversion camp disguised as a therapy center run by a severely repressed gay man and his sadistic aunt. So, you know, a super healthy, fun place to send a child. The children – I think it’s important to keep in mind that these are children – are forced to go to therapy with Rick and Lydia. What are there qualifications, you might ask? They don’t have any. Oh, Rick dresses real casual and can play the guitar, so I guess that means he’s relatable and in touch with the kids. Lydia doesn’t even try to relate to the kids; she’s just a monster person.

Here’s the thing, though, despite all the awfulness, Cameron finds some super great friends in this nightmarescape. Jane Fonda and Adam Eagle are so, so good for her. And each other.

You guys, the end of this book, it’s just do perfect. It’s open-ended, which is one of my favorite things about a good book. Sometimes we don’t get to know everything.

So, basically, read the hell out of this book. You won’t regret it.

Alright, fam, that’s all I have for now. But I’ll try to get back to reviewing on the reg.

Okay, byyyyeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Smoky Lynx

From the Desk of E. Big Foote

Hey y’all. I’m taking a break from my nonsense this week to support and share the words of a good friend with regard to the new Hulu documentary Sasquatch. Open your ears and hear the truth. I’m sharing a letter to the public from my good homie Bigfoot below.

Good evening my dudes. I want to take the opportunity to Sasqaush some rumors about a new “true crime” documentary called Sasquatch. This vomitus piece of film suggests that three people on a Northern California pot farm were murdered most foul-like by Bigfoot. You know what the real crime of this documentary is? Defamation! Of thine own character. (And also, obviously, the three heinous murders which yours truly did not do)

There is quite simply zero proof that I was ever even in the vicinity of this terrible crime. Bros, I’m literally covered in hair and leave massive footprints everywhere I go. Even Encyclopedia Brown has the forensic technology to prove that I was never at the scene. Where’s the evidence, yo? The cops ain’t got nothin’ on me, the locals ain’t got nothin’ on me, and this recklessly irresponsible filmmaker ain’t got nothin’ on me.

This tool is just using my good name and the purely speculative and fantastical history of violence that humans have attached to it to get people’s attention. It’s totally bogus, you know?

If he had been honest and called his movie “Well, shit. I don’t know who did it but it was bad” nobody would tune in. So this joker just went for cheap thrills. You guys know me. Maybe I won’t let you photograph me but I let you know where to get your hands on some quality jerky and I don’t do murders. Unless you litter. JK! Kind of. Anyways, I don’t get mad when y’all go traipsing around outside my crib hooting and hollering at all hours trying to communicate with me. First of all, my cousin Batsquatch taught me to meditate. When I get irritated I just take a coupla centering breaths and go about my day.

5 unique Birmingham characters you should know, including Bigfoot | Bham Now

Second of all, I speak three languages and idiot isn’t one of them so kindly cut that biz out post haste. Third of all, how could any one of you believe that I’m capable of such a base and bloodthirsy act? Have you no chill? My feet may be big but your minds are small. As in narrow, ya’ heard?

I‘ve know that this mess was coming out for months. I called my lawyer, (A chupacabra named Chad) ASAP and tried to block the thing from getting released, right? But then Chad called me and was like “Dude, it’s not really about you. You’re like a metaphor for the monstrous violence that lurks in some humans.” Since it’s not mentioning your full name (Edwin) we can’t do anything to stop it from airing. And then he charged me 2 grand, (pianos. I have no idea what he plans to do with them), and hung up.

Oh yeah, Chad? You’re a metaphor! It doesn’t matter if my full name isn’t on it. The implication alone could ruin my endorsement deals. How would Chad like it if a made a movie called “Chupacabra lawyer can only maintain an erection while watching videos of a baby penguin eating a banana” and aired it on HBOMax? Bet he wouldn’t like it at all. Bet everybody would start looking at him real weird whenever he went to the zoo or shopped in the freezer section and what not.

Besides, people obviously did these murders. Hippies to be specific. Listen, your friend Biggie ain’t dumb. I know all that peace and love crap is just talk. Hippies as a group are some of the worst, most selfish people I’ve ever met. I don’t know why they as a group are universally terrible.

Never Trust a Hippy - Wikipedia

Maybe after you listen to the 40 minute version of Truckin’ for the hundredth time your humanity just collapses like a planet engulfed by a black hole. Whatever the case may be I know it was hippies at the center of this whole crime. I ask that you join me in solidarity and boycott Sasquatch. I appreciate your time.

Sincerely,

E. Big Foote

Freaky Friday, but Make it Worse

So, last week I got my second Covid vaccine and, while I was thrilled as hell to get it, it knocked me on my ass. Straight laid me out. Last Saturday, I spent the whole day on the couch. I spent that time wisely, of course, I binge-watched an entire season of City on the Hill and watched Freaky, a new take on the much adored body switch comedy. This one set itself apart by adding a serial killer, the Blissfield Butcher. The BB was played by Vince Vaughn, who I actively dislike. Here’s my deal with him, he always, always plays the same role. So, I thought maybe, just maybe he’d show some range when tasked with playing a serial killer and then a serial killer trapped in a teenage girl’s body. I have the lowest of expectations and was still disappointed.

Here’s the trailer. It’s really all you need to watch.

So, I have a couple of issue with this one. Let’s begin with the serial killer. The Blissfield Butcher has no MO, no rituals, no victim preferences. He is apparently a drug addict who sleeps in a flop house full of animal carcasses. Look, I’m not saying I’m an expert, but serial killers don’t typically operate that way. But I can let that slide, I guess.

The next issue I have is the teenage girl. Okay, they do that very played out thing where they take a lovely girl, make her dorky/meek/timid and she’s basically invisible. Or, if she isn’t invisible, she’s bullied.

Then the switch happens.

Okay, so BB attacks our teen while she’s alone outside her school. At night. After dark. When a killer is on the loose. During a curfew. It’s some Scream shit, but not clever or good like Scream. Don’t diss Scream, it is the best horror movie of all time. I will lose my shit if anyone trashes scream.

The Scream Franchise | Page 65 | The Popjustice Forum

So, BB stabs our lead with a magic dagger he found after killing four teens for no reason. When he stabs her, something weird happens. He gets a wound in the exact spot. The cops show up and don’t shoot BB, he escapes, and the two wake up the next morning in each other’s bodies. Vince Vaughn as a teenage girl was just okay. He didn’t do it as well as Jack Black in Jumanji. Also don’t shit talk Jumanji. It’s a good movie and a Thanksgiving tradition at my house.

So, he gets ready to go to school in his new body and decides peasant dresses and Mr. Rogers sweaters aren’t for him. He raids sister’s closet and shows up looking hot. By hot I mean she’s wearing pants and her hair is in a ponytail. That’s the only change, but everyone is flippin’ their lid over how hot she is. It’s very She’s All That, and I don’t care for it. If you can’t tell Rachel Leigh Cook is cute because she’s wearing overalls and glasses, then that’s a you problem. Kathryn Newton, who is just a doll, actually pulled off the two opposing roles better than seasoned actor Vince Vaughn. I will say, he didn’t dance, so at least there’s that.

Overall the movie was just mediocre. But, if you’re recovering from a Covid vaccine and don’t really care what’s happening, it’s an alright way to spend 90 minutes. Or you could just watch Scream for the 4000th time.

Wes Craven Scream Movie GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Now that’s how you stab somebody.

Okay, byyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Smoky Lynx

Hopelessly Devoted To Goo

Henlo frens! Sorry this blog is a little late but I was having trouble figuring out what I wanted to write about. I watched this very, very cute documentary called Babies this week which made me smile like an idiot but that’s for me. A couple of days ago I was aimlessly looking around for something to watch when I stumbled upon the movie Spontaneous and decided to watch it (spontaneously). The lead is a mischievous smart ass with curly blond hair named Mara so I was immediately into it. I have an intense love for mischievous smart asses with curly blonde hair whose names start with M. They own me. Always have.

So, the deal is that one day Mara is bored out of her mind in class because the teacher is droning on about the Louisiana Purchase or what have you when the girl who sits in front of her explodes. Just spontaneously combusts in a fountain of bright red blood and goo and everybody loses their shit and runs outta the classroom. It’s a very relatable and correct response. The next day everybody goes back to school freaked out but assuming they were all briefly part of a science fiction novel and everything will go back to normal. Until another kid explodes, then another and then two more. It’s a real mess. Nobody feels comfortable wearing white anymore OR is sure whether or not they’ll make it through the day without becoming a human water balloon.

Senior year is hella stressful, amiright? The Feds roll in with a team of doctors and they quarantine all of the seniors and do a bunch of tests on them to try and figure out what’s making them go boom. During that time the kids bond and but explode quite a bit until the doctors test a pill that seems to work and the kids are released back into the wild to try and cope with the sustained trauma of repeatedly watching people they know die right in front of them while also trying to make themselves care about trigonometry or whatever. All the while worrying that every one of them will be dead by the time graduation rolls around. Obviously, it’s hilarious. No really. It is. It’s clever and sweet and all of the characters are well rounded. The visual storytelling is inventive and fun. The soundtrack has this poppy electro-synth cover of Bye, Bye Love that plays over a montage of the kids goofing around in quarantine while people in biohazard suits clean up the never ending wave of bloody exploded teen gore. It’s dark comedy gold.

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It’s a real shame that this movie came out in the middle of the pandemic when most people probably wanted to do anything but ponder their own mortality whilst watching a group of seemingly healthy people randomly drop (pop?) dead. I’m not going to go into a whole thing about symbolism and metaphors here because I don’t wanna. The story can mean a lot of things to a lot of people and I would rather let anyone watching find their own truth in there. I will say that this movie is good as hell though and it deserves attention and awards.

Spontaneous is way better and more thought provoking than those cliched, joyless, stuffy ass movies that people just love to throw Oscars at. Those movies lack soul and creativity but Spontaneous made me laugh, it made me cry, and it made me want to dance like a goof with the girl I love (which isn’t hard to do but I appreciate any opportunity to feel that way). The movie also let me grieve and I think that I really needed that right now. Probably a lot of people do. Despite the grief and tears the ending is one of the most unexpectedly defiant and freeing things that I’ve seen in a long while.

spontaneous 2020 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs | Tumgir

It’s been really hard for me to find entertainment that I connect with lately so this movie came as a really wonderful and much needed surprise. Turns out I sometimes like surprises. I’m grateful that I got the chance to see it and while I know that randomly exploding children are not everybody’s thang this movie spoke to me. I highly recommend it and am officially adding it to the list of things that are extremely my shit. So maybe add it to your list of things to watch. Just don’t watch it while eating spaghetti. Or tomato soup. Or drinking fruit punch.

Spontaneous's GIFs on Tenor