From the Desk of E. Big Foote

Hey y’all. I’m taking a break from my nonsense this week to support and share the words of a good friend with regard to the new Hulu documentary Sasquatch. Open your ears and hear the truth. I’m sharing a letter to the public from my good homie Bigfoot below.

Good evening my dudes. I want to take the opportunity to Sasqaush some rumors about a new “true crime” documentary called Sasquatch. This vomitus piece of film suggests that three people on a Northern California pot farm were murdered most foul-like by Bigfoot. You know what the real crime of this documentary is? Defamation! Of thine own character. (And also, obviously, the three heinous murders which yours truly did not do)

There is quite simply zero proof that I was ever even in the vicinity of this terrible crime. Bros, I’m literally covered in hair and leave massive footprints everywhere I go. Even Encyclopedia Brown has the forensic technology to prove that I was never at the scene. Where’s the evidence, yo? The cops ain’t got nothin’ on me, the locals ain’t got nothin’ on me, and this recklessly irresponsible filmmaker ain’t got nothin’ on me.

This tool is just using my good name and the purely speculative and fantastical history of violence that humans have attached to it to get people’s attention. It’s totally bogus, you know?

If he had been honest and called his movie “Well, shit. I don’t know who did it but it was bad” nobody would tune in. So this joker just went for cheap thrills. You guys know me. Maybe I won’t let you photograph me but I let you know where to get your hands on some quality jerky and I don’t do murders. Unless you litter. JK! Kind of. Anyways, I don’t get mad when y’all go traipsing around outside my crib hooting and hollering at all hours trying to communicate with me. First of all, my cousin Batsquatch taught me to meditate. When I get irritated I just take a coupla centering breaths and go about my day.

5 unique Birmingham characters you should know, including Bigfoot | Bham Now

Second of all, I speak three languages and idiot isn’t one of them so kindly cut that biz out post haste. Third of all, how could any one of you believe that I’m capable of such a base and bloodthirsy act? Have you no chill? My feet may be big but your minds are small. As in narrow, ya’ heard?

I‘ve know that this mess was coming out for months. I called my lawyer, (A chupacabra named Chad) ASAP and tried to block the thing from getting released, right? But then Chad called me and was like “Dude, it’s not really about you. You’re like a metaphor for the monstrous violence that lurks in some humans.” Since it’s not mentioning your full name (Edwin) we can’t do anything to stop it from airing. And then he charged me 2 grand, (pianos. I have no idea what he plans to do with them), and hung up.

Oh yeah, Chad? You’re a metaphor! It doesn’t matter if my full name isn’t on it. The implication alone could ruin my endorsement deals. How would Chad like it if a made a movie called “Chupacabra lawyer can only maintain an erection while watching videos of a baby penguin eating a banana” and aired it on HBOMax? Bet he wouldn’t like it at all. Bet everybody would start looking at him real weird whenever he went to the zoo or shopped in the freezer section and what not.

Besides, people obviously did these murders. Hippies to be specific. Listen, your friend Biggie ain’t dumb. I know all that peace and love crap is just talk. Hippies as a group are some of the worst, most selfish people I’ve ever met. I don’t know why they as a group are universally terrible.

Never Trust a Hippy - Wikipedia

Maybe after you listen to the 40 minute version of Truckin’ for the hundredth time your humanity just collapses like a planet engulfed by a black hole. Whatever the case may be I know it was hippies at the center of this whole crime. I ask that you join me in solidarity and boycott Sasquatch. I appreciate your time.

Sincerely,

E. Big Foote

Freaky Friday, but Make it Worse

So, last week I got my second Covid vaccine and, while I was thrilled as hell to get it, it knocked me on my ass. Straight laid me out. Last Saturday, I spent the whole day on the couch. I spent that time wisely, of course, I binge-watched an entire season of City on the Hill and watched Freaky, a new take on the much adored body switch comedy. This one set itself apart by adding a serial killer, the Blissfield Butcher. The BB was played by Vince Vaughn, who I actively dislike. Here’s my deal with him, he always, always plays the same role. So, I thought maybe, just maybe he’d show some range when tasked with playing a serial killer and then a serial killer trapped in a teenage girl’s body. I have the lowest of expectations and was still disappointed.

Here’s the trailer. It’s really all you need to watch.

So, I have a couple of issue with this one. Let’s begin with the serial killer. The Blissfield Butcher has no MO, no rituals, no victim preferences. He is apparently a drug addict who sleeps in a flop house full of animal carcasses. Look, I’m not saying I’m an expert, but serial killers don’t typically operate that way. But I can let that slide, I guess.

The next issue I have is the teenage girl. Okay, they do that very played out thing where they take a lovely girl, make her dorky/meek/timid and she’s basically invisible. Or, if she isn’t invisible, she’s bullied.

Then the switch happens.

Okay, so BB attacks our teen while she’s alone outside her school. At night. After dark. When a killer is on the loose. During a curfew. It’s some Scream shit, but not clever or good like Scream. Don’t diss Scream, it is the best horror movie of all time. I will lose my shit if anyone trashes scream.

The Scream Franchise | Page 65 | The Popjustice Forum

So, BB stabs our lead with a magic dagger he found after killing four teens for no reason. When he stabs her, something weird happens. He gets a wound in the exact spot. The cops show up and don’t shoot BB, he escapes, and the two wake up the next morning in each other’s bodies. Vince Vaughn as a teenage girl was just okay. He didn’t do it as well as Jack Black in Jumanji. Also don’t shit talk Jumanji. It’s a good movie and a Thanksgiving tradition at my house.

So, he gets ready to go to school in his new body and decides peasant dresses and Mr. Rogers sweaters aren’t for him. He raids sister’s closet and shows up looking hot. By hot I mean she’s wearing pants and her hair is in a ponytail. That’s the only change, but everyone is flippin’ their lid over how hot she is. It’s very She’s All That, and I don’t care for it. If you can’t tell Rachel Leigh Cook is cute because she’s wearing overalls and glasses, then that’s a you problem. Kathryn Newton, who is just a doll, actually pulled off the two opposing roles better than seasoned actor Vince Vaughn. I will say, he didn’t dance, so at least there’s that.

Overall the movie was just mediocre. But, if you’re recovering from a Covid vaccine and don’t really care what’s happening, it’s an alright way to spend 90 minutes. Or you could just watch Scream for the 4000th time.

Wes Craven Scream Movie GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Now that’s how you stab somebody.

Okay, byyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Smoky Lynx

Hopelessly Devoted To Goo

Henlo frens! Sorry this blog is a little late but I was having trouble figuring out what I wanted to write about. I watched this very, very cute documentary called Babies this week which made me smile like an idiot but that’s for me. A couple of days ago I was aimlessly looking around for something to watch when I stumbled upon the movie Spontaneous and decided to watch it (spontaneously). The lead is a mischievous smart ass with curly blond hair named Mara so I was immediately into it. I have an intense love for mischievous smart asses with curly blonde hair whose names start with M. They own me. Always have.

So, the deal is that one day Mara is bored out of her mind in class because the teacher is droning on about the Louisiana Purchase or what have you when the girl who sits in front of her explodes. Just spontaneously combusts in a fountain of bright red blood and goo and everybody loses their shit and runs outta the classroom. It’s a very relatable and correct response. The next day everybody goes back to school freaked out but assuming they were all briefly part of a science fiction novel and everything will go back to normal. Until another kid explodes, then another and then two more. It’s a real mess. Nobody feels comfortable wearing white anymore OR is sure whether or not they’ll make it through the day without becoming a human water balloon.

Senior year is hella stressful, amiright? The Feds roll in with a team of doctors and they quarantine all of the seniors and do a bunch of tests on them to try and figure out what’s making them go boom. During that time the kids bond and but explode quite a bit until the doctors test a pill that seems to work and the kids are released back into the wild to try and cope with the sustained trauma of repeatedly watching people they know die right in front of them while also trying to make themselves care about trigonometry or whatever. All the while worrying that every one of them will be dead by the time graduation rolls around. Obviously, it’s hilarious. No really. It is. It’s clever and sweet and all of the characters are well rounded. The visual storytelling is inventive and fun. The soundtrack has this poppy electro-synth cover of Bye, Bye Love that plays over a montage of the kids goofing around in quarantine while people in biohazard suits clean up the never ending wave of bloody exploded teen gore. It’s dark comedy gold.

spontaneous 2020 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs | Tumgir

It’s a real shame that this movie came out in the middle of the pandemic when most people probably wanted to do anything but ponder their own mortality whilst watching a group of seemingly healthy people randomly drop (pop?) dead. I’m not going to go into a whole thing about symbolism and metaphors here because I don’t wanna. The story can mean a lot of things to a lot of people and I would rather let anyone watching find their own truth in there. I will say that this movie is good as hell though and it deserves attention and awards.

Spontaneous is way better and more thought provoking than those cliched, joyless, stuffy ass movies that people just love to throw Oscars at. Those movies lack soul and creativity but Spontaneous made me laugh, it made me cry, and it made me want to dance like a goof with the girl I love (which isn’t hard to do but I appreciate any opportunity to feel that way). The movie also let me grieve and I think that I really needed that right now. Probably a lot of people do. Despite the grief and tears the ending is one of the most unexpectedly defiant and freeing things that I’ve seen in a long while.

spontaneous 2020 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs | Tumgir

It’s been really hard for me to find entertainment that I connect with lately so this movie came as a really wonderful and much needed surprise. Turns out I sometimes like surprises. I’m grateful that I got the chance to see it and while I know that randomly exploding children are not everybody’s thang this movie spoke to me. I highly recommend it and am officially adding it to the list of things that are extremely my shit. So maybe add it to your list of things to watch. Just don’t watch it while eating spaghetti. Or tomato soup. Or drinking fruit punch.

Spontaneous's GIFs on Tenor

Are You Feeling Lucky?

Drag Race S13, E14

Our top four is back and are tasked with helping Mama Ru make her new music video. Our gals had to write their own verse, lay down their track, and learn choreography from the great Jamal Sims.

I’d like to take a moment to fangirl over Jamal. First of all, he’s presh. He has really great energy. Jamal seems to really want all our ladies succeed. And he has what appears to be a French Bulldog tattooed on his chest. So, you know, he’s basically perfect. And we aren’t the only ones who think so. Gottmik lost her damn mind when she found out they’d be working with him again.

Let's Go - Gottmik - GIPHY Clips

So, all of our ladies did pretty well and, honestly, normally I get a little embarrassed when the queens have to do a Ru video. I don’t know why, but I do. This one, though, was hella cute. All our queens were dressed in their nighttime clothes and looked hella cute.

Gottmik was gorg in blue, Kandy killed it in yellow, Rose’ was sparkling in pink, and Symone was a damn dreamsicle in orange. They looked stellar. Every one of them.

The runway category was drag excellence.

Gottmik served spotted, Cruella DeVille realness. And, while it was not my favorite look of hers, she looked good.

Kandy looked like a futuristic flight attendant, and I did not care for it. I will say, though, her face and hair were the best they’d ever looked.

Rose’ put her Scottish heritage on display with a full tartan gown and long red hair. She looked great.

Symone who has literally never looked bad, of course looked stunning.

As predicted, by me, anyway, no one went home. While this is not the top four I predicted, I honestly didn’t expect Kandy to still be in the race, they all did really, really well. This episode was highlight in what has been a lackluster season. I was feeling really good about the whole thing when Mama mentioned the reunion next week, and my good mood was squandered.

Cheese and crackers, we have to see Tina Burner again. And I just have nothin’ nice to say about that…

RPDR Gif Maker

Okay, byyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Smoky Lynx

You’ll (Nain) Rouge the Day You Ever Crossed Me!

Have you ever heard that famous saying “Don’t start none, won’t be none”? I can’t remember who first said it. Probably Confuscius or Kim Kardashian or some other wise soul. The point is, that saying is very much the motto of a little French hobgoblin called Nain Rouge. He’s a petite gentleman about 2 or 3 feet tall with sin red skin and cold black eyes who likes to kick it in what is now Detroit. I had no idea that Detroit was founded by the French but now that I think about it deep dish pizza, classic cars and Motown are all very French really.

Nainey, as his friends call him, was neither a ruffian nor a scuttlebutt. He just wanted to be left alone to do his little Nainey things without being bothered. I’m not sure what his main hobbies were but given the time I assume whittling and maybe cribbage. Full disclosure-I have no idea what cribbage is except that it seems like a very complicated,old timey game that both demons and the French would enjoy. So yeah, one day right after Antoine de la Mothe Cadillac founded the city Nainey was out running errands. Probably picking up snacks for his all goblin/demon cribbage club when he ran into Cadillac and Cadillac, being a founding father who was ferociously full of himself, did not politely say “Oh merde, ma faute”. He took his walking stick and started whacking at Nainey whilst hollering “Get out of my way, you red imp!”.

This despite the fact that Cadillac was previously warned by a mystic that if he didn’t want to gunk his gig up he should be nice to Nainey. Always listen to your mystic folks, they aren’t talking to just to hear themselves prophesize. Because, here’s the thing, Nainey does not take well to being slighted. He can hold a grudge for eternity and he loves himself a good fit of righteous revenging. So, he wrecked Cadillac’s life. Or really Cadillac wrecked Cadillac’s life by being an immoral douchebag politician with no manners. Nainey simply made sure that fact came to light. When it did Cadillac was exiled to Louisiana where he couldn’t enjoy their delicious etouffee because of a shellfish allergy and he was constantly beset by bird sized mosquitos. Serves him right. Anyway, Nainey’s thirst for vengeance was quenched and he went back home to enjoy a nice shrimp cocktail.

That would be the end of the story except the people of Detroit keep blaming Nainey for all the bad things that happen in the city even though he had nothing to do with any of it. There was a massive fire in the city in 1805 and people swore that they saw Nainey’s face “leering” at them through the smoke. People said he was lurking around giving them the stink eye right before the riots in 1967 and in 1977 a lineman swore that he saw Nainey “shimmying up a utility pole and leering at him” the day before a massive electricity outage. It’s a real unhealthy thing to project blame onto people for things that are entirely out of their control and Detroit as a city should really do some personal work to get over that habit.

I also don’t understand the weird sexual/romantic undertones that witnesses keep dropping into these sightings. Like Nainey is looking them right in the eye while clambering around on a pole all sexy-like just thinking “Damn you! Why must you be so alluring? I am sensually drawn to you but also must destroy you”. He’s not. He’s not doing or thinking any of that crap because he’s at home whittling realistic figurines of the birds of North America.

There’s even this whole parade that Detroit does every year called March du Nain Rouge where they dress up in costumes and symbolically kick him out of the city. That’s a bridge too dang far. It’s egregious, is what it is, and it went on for years before some enlightened souls came to Nainey’s defense. They call themselves The Friends of Nain Rouge and although they aren’t very creative their hearts are in the right place. They post up at the parade every year and hold signs that say things like “The Real Nain is Nice” and “Masks Can Not Cover Your Lies”. That last one is a little over dramatic but the sentiment is nice.

I guess the man take away from Nainey’s story is that when bad stuff happens you can’t just go around inventing pyschosexual morality plays based on hapless hobgoblins to blame it on. You just gotta pick yourself up and do the work to move on. Also, manners are so important. Don’t just go running around whacking at folks with sticks because you’re a grump. Sure, some people deserve a good solid thunking with a heavy stick but mostly it’s mean and it’ll get you booted right down to Louisiana. It’s real humid there guys. Your hair is gonna frizz up like crazy and nobody wants that.

Horowitz, You Clever Bastard

Y’all, Anthony Horowitz is a puzzle master. He is the Will Shortz of the mystery novel.

His new book is out – it’s been out for a minute, but your girl is behind – and it’s hella good.

Moonflower Murders, Anthony Horowitz.

4 Glorious Pretzels.

First of all, you need to read Magpie Murders first. Because that’s how series work, y’all. Then, when you’re finished getting your mind blown by that masterpiece, dive into this one.

Okay, so, Moonflower. Here’s where we get a little spoilery.

Susan is kicking it in Greece with her handsome, charming boyfriend. They run a little hotel together, and she’s kind of miserable. She’s approached by a couple who need her help. Their daughter is missing, and they’d like her to help solve the case. This cheers Susan right up. She has a twisted sense of what’s fun. See, if I were kickin’ it in Greece with Andreas, who I assume is hella attractive, I would consider that fun. Susan, however, thinks retracing Allen Conway’s steps and digging into not only a missing person’s case, but also a murder, is fun. But, hey, it takes all kinds.

Just like with Magpie, we’re elbow deep in this story when we dive into a different story. Y’all, because that’s what Horowitz does. He gives you a case to solve and, while you’re busy with that one, he’s like, “Hey, fam, here’s another hella interesting, though fictional, case.” Solve that one, too. Then, while you’re solving that one, he reminds you about the first case, and you’re like, “WHAAAAAT?!?!?! Anthony Horowitz, you clever bastard.”

So, anyway, if you haven’t read a Horowitz, I suggest you do so immediately. And you have plenty to choose from. Horowitz, who is dope enough to have permission from both the Arthur Conan Doyle and the Ian Fleming estates to write Holmes and Bond books, has the Alan Conway series, the Hawthorne books, and the Holmes and Bond books. So, you know, pick your poison, but be prepared to be obsessed.

Okay, byyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Smoky Lynx

It’s a Roast, Henny!

Drag Race S13,E12 & E13

We’re doubling down again this week because, well, I’m a slacker. Facts are facts, America.

So, last week, we had a nice girl roast and, well friends, it wasn’t that great. Our honorees were none other than Nina West, Heidi N Closet, and Valentina. So, two nice gals and one fan favorite. Look, Valentina is a lot of things but congenial isn’t one of them. So, Mama Ru is like, “Let’s bring back these nice queens and read them for filth but in a clever way. It’ll be fun.” And it should be fun. Roasts are fun. Turns out, though, our roast was only half done; three of our queens just weren’t that funny. But, let’s talk about our queens who shined. But first I wanna mention the greatest roast I’ve ever seen. Comedy Central used to do roasts on the regular. I accidentally flipped to the Bob Saget roast and, just as I was going to change the channel, Cloris Leachman was announced. Cloris got up there and destroyed everyone. Absolutely destroyed them. But she had one killer line. John Stamos was hosting and, as she was wrapping up, she turned to him and said, “I’m just here to fuck John Stamos.” And then she made a joke about being in a donkey show. Anyway, she was a legend.

Let’s get to roastin’.

Cloris Leachman Eating GIF by Lez Bomb Movie - Find & Share on GIPHY

Kandy Muse, surprising everyone, was a laugh riot. Opening the show, she set the tone. And she looked great; the best she’s looked all season. She did so well that she earned her first win.

Rose’ closed and she was also stellar. I actually thought she was going to win, but I was happy for Kandy.

Gottmik was hella nervous but landed some really funny quotes.

That leaves my beloved Symone, Olivia, and Utica. They were all, frankly, terrible. Utica made some really low ball size jokes directed at Nina West Loni Love. Honestly, the best part about her set was when Loni was like, “Oh, yeah? I’m not funny? You’re the one bombing.” Dang, Gina. Utica bombed, and she bombed hard. But she looked awesome. So, Symone and Utica were in the bottom. Utica was ultimately sent home.

Utica is a positive ray of sunshine, so she’ll be fine. And she’ll always have Clara.

Cloris Leachman Oscars GIF by The Academy Awards - Find & Share on GIPHY

Alright, henny, let’s get shrunk. This week, it’s all about bad special effects and pussy cat jokes. Look, it’s a parody of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and, well, it was not great. Olivia was sent packing. I feel like it was her time. I actually felt like it was her time a few weeks ago when she failed to make Denali over in her image. But that’s just me and probably a lot of other people.

So, we officially have a top four. It’s mostly what I expected. I’ve said it a few times, but I totally misjudged Rose. That all ended around the third or fourth episode when I realized she’s a damn delight. I like that she talks shit but ends it with the word “baby”, which makes it okay. I predicted Symone, Rose, and Gottmik would be in the top, but I was unsure about Kandy. I’m still unsure about Kandy.

We’re winding down, coming to the end of the season and, honestly, I’m fine with it. I don’t know if it’s a me problem or what, but I’m just not super jazzed about this season. It mostly just makes me want to rewatch Season 12 and All Stars 2. But, to be fair, I’d be fine watching those seasons any time.

Readers, that’s all I’ve got.

Okay, byyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeee.

Smoky Lynx

If You Boil It For At Least 67 Minutes The Evil Cooks Right Out

I’ve always thought that if I were to be a supernatural creature I would be a werewolf. I’m pale and nocturnal when given the opportunity but brooding isn’t my thing at all so I couldn’t be a vampire. And I couldn’t be a Creature From the Black Lagoon because I’m not a particularly strong swimmer and (little know fact) I am repulsed by fish. Not even just the idea of eating one but the very sight of a fish causes a visceral reaction in me. I don’t know if I have some fish based past life trauma but there it is.

fish-with-attitude-ultra-rare-evil-fish-adult - Filthy Monkey Men

So, obviously I’d be a werewolf. It seems like a pretty sweet gig because I’d get to be a relatively normal person 27 or so days a month and for the other three I would just lope through the woods with my goofy ass walk and try to engage terrified campers, and squirrels and what-have-you in small talk about who their favorite Pretty Little Liar is and why. It’s fine. Seems fine at least. So when started feeling all exhausted and brain foggy on Friday night and I realized that it was a full moon I was fully ready to achieve my ultimate werewolf form. Except I never turned into a werewolf (Sarwolf?). Turns out I just feel gross. BUT if I had wolfed out there’s a wonderful online resource I could have turned to.

It’s called A Werewolf in Australia and it’s absurd. It’s a really fun webseries and the main gist is that this very nice werewolf named Colin has started a YouTube channel to provide advice and tips to new werepeople. This was clearly made by a bunch of folks who had like seven dollars and a fun idea. Colin’s werewolf suit looks like they bought a teddy bear suit from a random furry dry cleaned it thoroughly and then cut the face out. It’s filmed in living rooms and, like, public parks. It’s great.

Colin tells you how to eat ethically when you want to be a vegetarian but your body craves warm, bloody meat (you go to the witch market and get frozen bits of these other dimensional beings made of 100% evil and eat them). He guides you through the precarious world of supernatural dating with the Spellbinder app and you get to see all of these supernatural creatures dating profiles which are clever and hilarious. He gives you tips and tricks for locking yourself up during the full moon (you need a storage building, metal cable and a Nintendo Switch). And he does it all while trying to maintain a sunny, optimistic attitude only to be crushed at the end of every single episode by the reality that being a werewolf kinda sucks. Also, he wears these big furry gloves with long claws the whole time and watching him try make a stir fry with them on just absolutely cracked me up. Ha!

I did some reading and they really did make this because Australia doesn’t do Halloween and they wanted to dress up and do something fun so they did. That’s kinda why Ryanne and I started writing. We just realized we could and it sounded like a super rad time. Ryanne had an office at the back of my friend’s store and we would go there on Saturday afternoons and evenings and write. By write I mean we would take turns coming up with stuff to make each other laugh and occasionally type things.

God knows what the people shopping in the store thought because I’m sure they could hear us. Possibly that the place was haunting by the hysterically laughing ghosts of two lunatics who were strangely obsessed with the video of that time Prince was on Sesame Street?

I know they could hear us because we could hear them too. There were these two friends that used to come in all the time when we were actually working and one of those girls had the best voice. I would be sitting there, tasked with figuring out who Flurry Winters really was and what was her motivation but I would just be entirely focused on that voice and trying to hear exactly what she was saying because it was probably really interesting. I was entirely mesmerized. Hell, I nearly walked out there to find her a couple of times. I never did because I didn’t want it to seem like I was blowing off work to go be a weirdo but I really wish I had just opened the damn door.

Anyway, turns out I’m still not a werewolf just exhausted and brain foggy. Although one never knows… Maybe next month I will become one with the moon. In the mean time I’m gonna stock up on Luna bars because I love a good pun and give a little piece of advice. If you want to do something creative you should just do it. Paint something, if you play an instrument play the hell outta the thing, write some weird stuff that amuses you. Being creative is good for the soul and a whole lot of the time it’s really, really fun. Go out there and confuse some antique buyers into thinking they wandered into a haunted house. You never know what good stuff can come from it.

Didn’t You Once Tell a Vampire to Eat a Dick?

Hey! I don’t know if you’ve noticed but it’s Spring! I freaking love Spring. I’m all energized and super happy. Manifesting stuff and cleaning and what not. It’s awesome. My Mom’s theories are generally pretty wack, right? But she does have this one theory that I think may hold water. It’s that whatever season you were born in is your favorite season. It seems to hold true for most people I know at least. And I was born right at the beginning of Spring. I also like early summer when it’s not so hot that you wanna die but everything smells like fresh cut grass and honeysuckle and the nights stretch out forever. That’s pretty rad too. It’s the perfect time to go for a night time drive with your windows down. I look forward to doing that. It’s almost time for the fireflies to come back.

Anyway, I’m rambling I know, but I accidentally had this XXXtreme 5 hour energy thing this afternoon and now I feel like a hummingbird. Your girl is WIRED. It’s like I can feel every molecule in my body right now. So probably drinking the energy thing was a mistake cause I’m gonna crash hard in a little while. Will I drink one again? Prolly, if I’m being honest I’ve survived drinking far worse. Those are stories for another time though. I’m technically supposed to be talking about some kind of entertainment thing so Imma just list some of my favorite things about the new season of Wynonna Earp.

Wynonna Earp Season 4 GIFs - Get the best GIF on GIPHY

I love Wynonna Earp and the fourth and possibly final season started three weeks ago. I’m enjoying the hell out of it. To be honest I always enjoy the hell out of Wynonna Earp but I’ve talked about that before, I think. The excellent thing about this season is they filmed it during the summer instead of the winter because of COVID stuff and the scenery is gorgeous. It’s gorgeous in the winter too but I had no idea Alberta was so green. Maybe instead of Vermont I want to live in Canada for a while? The winters are super cold but I’m always cold so that’s fine. Plus, the summers are much nicer than they are here. It’s something to think about.

Jordy 🌱 WE 4B Spoilers on Twitter: "Can we all just appreciate the  homestead in the summer #WynonnaEarp #BringWynonnaHome… "

So far this season the gang has used a T-shirt cannon, a lasso, and a supersoaker full of homemade kombucha to save their friend from being a moss ogre, they’ve encountered a Cupid who’s lost faith in love and become an exotic dancer, we’ve learned that love is in the butt. That means that I’m just a brimming with love then. My heart and my ass are so full. Literally. Also, there was a Halloween (the best holiday) episode where Doc Holiday dressed like Freddie Mercury and a scarecrow/jack ‘o lantern guy murdered a bunch of folks. People got their brains sucked out by a genie so a dolt could win trivia night, there was a chili cook off for freedom, and the normally straight laced Sheriff Haught drop kicked a roasted chicken across the police station in a fit of pique.

your laugh is like christmas — currently living for the idea of Nicole  drenching...

What’s not to like, right? Wynonna Earp is funny and exciting and heartwarming but also filled with absurd nonsense. It’s extremely my shit. I highly recommend it. Does this count as an entertainment blog now? I think it does.

So watch Wynonna if that feels like something you would enjoy. Or go find some nice grass to sit in and wiggle your fingers and toes in it. Absorb some sunshine and the delicious spring time weather. You deserve it. Until next time. I’ll be thinking of you.

Did Someone Forget to Turn Off the Burner?

NOPE! She’s finally gone.

Drag Race Season 13, Episode…whatever. I forget what week we’re on.

So, my wish finally came true. Tina Burner was sent packin’. And I couldn’t be happier.

Need Help Packing Beat It Queen GIF - NeedHelpPacking BeatItQueen -  Discover & Share GIFs

But this is a review blog, not a ’90s style slam notebook. Let’s get to it, shall we?

The Mini Challenge: Are you smarter than the Pit Crew?

Quick side bar. I love the Pit Crew, but it also makes me ashamed/uncomfortable when the queens drool over them and paw at them. Like, Bryce is a cutie pie. I bet he’s also hella cute in pants. I don’t know because I’ve only seen him in his sponsor undies. So, this season has been kind of a relief in that the Pit Crew is being used sparingly and are keeping their distance. So, it was a delight to see them, but then we’re just going to make fun of how dumb they are?

Back to the challenge. We played a little drag trivia and Kandy Muse was our winner. Surprising probably everyone.

The Main Challenge: Create a soda and sell it

I just have one question for you. Is your blood sugar low?

Drag Race' Recap: Season 13 Episode 11 — Utica Queen Vs. Tina Burner |  TVLine

Symone kilt it, to no one’s surprise. But let’s review all of them.

Utica: Gurrrrrrrl. I love her, but her commercial was…off putting. There was just way too much tongue involved for me to like it. Oh, You Don’t Like Tongues. I’m Sorry. < Title of LeRoux’s sex tape. Anyway, I was intrigued by the cow; she lost me with the suckling.

Kandy: She basically just wore a leopard print cat suit, danced, and said Kandy-esque things. It worked.

Tina Burner: She did a weird Viagra in a can thing. But she mostly screamed “Hellllllll yeahhhhhh” Randy Savage-style at an unsuspecting Bryce. She also had a tone deaf segment where she pretended to have sex with a priest. It was bad.

Gottmik: She pretty much just did Paris Hilton again this week. It was weird and awkward.

Olivia: Her concept was okay; she just didn’t super pull it off. Her soda was supposed to make you happy, but Olivia is always happy. The transition from happy to sad was underwhelming.

Rose: Her soda was all about perfection, and she was, well, perfect. She also turned some of her previous runway criticisms into perks of her soda, and she did it all while wearing a Jan robe.

Symone: Genius. She’s a genius. Sweet Toof was genius. All of it.
She and Rose took home the double win while Utica sent Tina Burner to the house.

The Runway: Category is: Beast

RuPaul's Drag Race — Allow me to introduce to you… Monsters INC.

Symone was a fox, Rose was a satyr, Kandy was…an alien? The runway was, overall, great. Just no one knows why Kandy went that route. I do like to imagine her in the room with all the other queens getting ready. Symone looked like an actual fox; Utica was a vision in black and fur; Olivia was full-on Monsters Inc. And Kandy was in a lime green cat suit complete with merkin with a blowup alien on her back. I was confused, but I applaud her confidence.

But the good news is, Tina fell flat, and we’re left with a six-pack of queens.

Okay, byyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeee.

Smoky Lynx