Celebrivision! It’s just ok,

Celebrity Watch Party

3 Mediocre Pretzels

What’s more fun than watching celebrities watch TV? So many things! But we’re in the midst of a pandemic and new entertainment is new entertainment so here we are. This is a long way of saying that there’s a new show called Celebrity Watch Party that features relatively famous folks watching a spot of telly with their friends and sharing their thoughts and feelings about what they see. Every week a group of people including Tyra Banks and her Mama, The Osbourne family, or Master P and Romeo watch programs ranging from Bob Ross to Nailed it and let everybody know what they think.

Fox's 'Celebrity Watch Party' panned for boring premiere, fans say ...

If watching Ozzy Osbourne nap while his wife and daughter view Dirty Dancing or Romeo attempt to enthusiastically engage with The Masked Singer while Master P disinterestedly slurps from a Cup ‘O Noodles is your kink I won’t shame you but I will say that the Marco Polos that Smoky and I make about Drag Race every week are far more entertaining. Plus, mine have the aesthetic of the “found footage” from The Blair Witch Project. It’s evocative stuff.

Anyway, the best thing about this show is that you get to sample two or three minutes clips of lots of different shows. Some you might be familiar with and some will make you question the very sanity of the programming execs at The History Channel. That’s the real reason to watch CWP. You get a taste of some bananas nonsense  without ever actually choosing to watch a full episode of shows like Kings of Pain.

The concept of Kings of Pain is simple. two idiots taunt large, sometimes venomous animals into biting them, seem shocked that the process is painful, and then rate said level of pain on a scale from 1-10. This show is exclusively for bros and high people, In the segment that I watched these goofs each kept goading an agitated python until it chomps on them. They screamed and screamed and then afterwards, as blood shot out of their wounds, reflected on the fact that they could have done nerve damage or been killed. Luckily, their wives know how passionate they each are about the pain scale and support their mission. Girl, their wives are passionate about the insurance policies they have out on these dunces. That’s what they’re supporting.

Kings of Pain' star Adam Thorn lets giant python bite him

That’s the kind of content that you’ll find on Celebrity Watch Party. Is it a “good” show? No, no it’s not. it does pass the time though and Tyra’s mom is adorable. It’s the perfect kind of show to fold laundry to or have on in the background while you do housework. So, while I’m not enthusiastically recommending this one I can say that if it’s on and you happen to be in the room you won’t hate it. Sometimes that’s enough.

Drag Race Eleganza

5 Pretzels.

You guys, we’re nearing the end of, dare I say it, my favorite season of Drag Race ever.

Per usual, this week’s episode was super fun. Let’s get into it, shall we?

The Aftermath

Our Miss Heidi Good God Almighty Afrodite went home, and everyone, and I mean everyone, is sad about it. Even the universe. Just as Jaida was about to wipe away her message, the lights went out. I thought it was a Ru joke, but it wasn’t. It was a legit power outage. Anyway, someone fixed it – probably Sarge – and we were back in business.

The Mini Challenge: No ma’am.

We have lyrics to learn, lyrics to write and record, and a dance number to learn. Ain’t nobody got time for a mini challenge.

The Main Challenge: Rusical!!!

Our queens were tasked with writing a rap for Ru’s Vegas show. They were also tasked with learning the words and choreography for a fun little number, or three. Because it was three. It was a whole heck of a lot to cover, but our queens did it.

Even Jaida. Who, quite honestly, sounds like a goose when she sings. You know, I find comfort in her inability to sing. It just proves that she is, in fact, human. I’ve had my doubts. No one looks like that, is that kind and funny, AND gets to be a great singer.

So, yeah, typically I get really nervous about these types of challenges, but these queens are so good I wasn’t worried. It was a relief to not be worried. I’m a Virgo. I’ve been worried since 1982. This episode, though, I knew they’d pull it together.

Category is: Eleganza Extravaganza!!!!!

This was maybe my favorite eleganza ever and here’s why. Typically, we get five stunning gowns. This season, they mixed it up a bit. Sure, there were gowns, but there was also camp – and not from our self-proclaimed camp queen. We had velvet and blue paint. We had personality. Here’s the breakdown:

Jackie: Andy Warhol realness. Jackie wore pop art style gown that I was feeling. I loved, loved, loved her blue shoes.

Crystal: Genie in a bottle, girl. She wore head to toe blue velvet and I was there for it.

Gigi: Brace Face! Okay, Gigi went full ’70s prom down to the ruffles and bowtie. And she added a signature Gigi twist, accessorizing with full head gear. Gigi is everything.

Sherry Pie: Some bullshit about Mae West.

Jaida: GIIIIIIIIRRRRRRLLLL. I can’t even talk about how beautiful she looked. She’s perfect.

My favorite looks:

  1. Crystal Methyd
  2. Gigi Goode
  3. Jaida Essence Hall
  4. Jackie Cox

Yep. I liked everyone but Sherry. I know you’re all shocked. Here’s the thing, I don’t think I would have liked it regardless of my feelings about her. I only have room in my cold, cold heart for one fake Mae West, and it isn’t Sherry Pie. It’s Alaska. Duh.

So, anyway, I wasn’t feeling Sherry.

My least favorite:

Sherry Pie. 100%. Always.

And the Winner Is: 

Gigi Goode

Little Baby Gigi won the final challenge of the season. It was a really good week for her. Though I was not wild about her chaps outfit, she did a wonderful job, looked stunning, and made that ass slide work.

The Bottom Two of the Week:

Jackie Cox and Crystal Methyd

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Lookie here, I love both of them. But we’ve come down to report cards, folks. Crystal was a late bloomer and Jackie, though killin’ it in the mini challenges, never won a main challenge. These gals are so good, it’s come to numbers.

Guest Judge: Jamal Sims

Jamal Sims is a regular on the show, coming up with boss choreography for all our queens. It was nice to see him on the judges’ panel.

Quote of the Week:

I don’t have a quote this week. What I do have is a fondness for all of these queens. The banter back and forth in this episode was delightful and wonderful. But I guess the stand out moment had to be when Jackie said she really noticed Jaida had mad make up skills during the imrov challenge. I’d like to remind you that Jaida was a sad apple for that challenge. A beautiful sad apple. And Jackie took notice.

Random Notes from the Week:

The only thing I would change about this episode is the fact that anyone got sent home. It was easier to handle the blow knowing that Sherry has been disqualified, and I’m 109% sure Jackie will be back for the final four. The final four I’m super stoked for.

Thoughts on S12E12? Tell us in the comments.

Okay, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Smoky Lynx

At the Water’s Edge: A Review

2 Pretzels

At the Water’s Edge, Sara Gruen

Hey, Fort Smithians, Smoky Lynx here, and I have the most unimportant news ever. I read a book about privileged rich kids and, boy, was it only mildly entertaining.

While the book opens with a scene set in Scotland, a woman who has just lost her child getting word that her husbands is MIA, presumed dead because there’s war on, it takes an abrupt turn. This book is about three absolute knuckleheads. Spotted: Maddie the It Girl of the season, Ellis her rich as hell husband, and Hank the ladies man. They’re attending a New Year’s Eve party where they are being insufferable Chuck Bassholes. These three are absolute garbage. The boys are pretending to be sad that they can’t serve, and Maddie is pretending she’s not on the verge of passing out because she never eats food. They make right asses of themselves.

At noon the following day, when Ellis and Maddie climbed out of separate beds – they live at his parent’s house – they discover that word has gotten around that they’re douchebags. I’m not sure why anyone is surprised. Didn’t they already know?

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Anyway, to prove everyone wrong, the boys concoct a scheme to go to Scotland and prove that Nessie is real. That’s right. In the middle of WW2, these three throw all their time and resources into going to Scotland to take a picture of the Loch Ness Monster. The plan may seem absurd, but there’s an actual backstory involving Ellis’s father where this idea makes sense. I refuse to get into it. I won’t and I shan’t.

Anyway, they arrive in Scotland where their privilege sticks out like a sore thumb. They are demanding, whiny, rude, and flabbergasted that people aren’t falling all over themselves to serve them. The dialogue is basically this, “Why don’t you have meat? Why is there no electricity? This air raid horn is really killing my buzz. Why is the bunker so far away? There’s no whisky in the bunker? But, whhhhhyyyyyyyyyyy?”

Drinking Broken Hearted GIF - Drinking BrokenHearted EdWestwick ...

So, at this point, I almost gave up. But the Scots saved the book for me. The Scottish characters were well-rounded, well-developed people who refused to take any of Ellis or Hank’s shit.

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So, here’s how it all played out. Ellis and Hank are basically day drinking away their time. Maddie forms relationships with the women who work at the inn where they’re staying, drawing further and further away from Ellis and Hank. So far away, in fact, that she ends up hooking up with the man running the inn. Turns out, he’s the MIA soldier from the beginning of the book. That’s right, Angus ISN’T dead and his wife needn’t drown herself in the Loch. Some other things happen, but I would suggest that anyone interested in this exact same story read Water for Elephants instead. It’s a much better book and it features an elephant who understands Polish. What isn’t to love about that?

I love Water for Elephants, so I was excited to read this book by the same author, but it’s just too similar to her superior book.

So, that’s all for now.

Stay safe, stay healthy, and stay the hell away from me.

XOXO,

Smoky Lynx

 

Drag Race Eleganza: S12, E11

4 Pretzels.

You guys, we’re nearing the end of, dare I say it, my favorite season of Drag Race ever.

Per usual, this week’s episode was super fun. Let’s get into it, shall we?

The Aftermath

Halleloo! No one went home. Everyone seems genuinely happy to remain a top six. I mean, Gigi had a real moment where she admitted she was a little bummed everyone was still there, but she loves her sisters. It’s just that this IS a competition. The lack of drama makes me forget that sometimes.

The Mini Challenge: Everybody Loves Puppets!

It’s been a minute since queens have been asked to drag up a puppet and read a competitor. This challenge with this group was interesting. These gals aren’t shady, so it was fun to see them try to be. Jackie got Sherry and absolutelyl killed it. She was the winner of the mini, giving her an advantage in the main challenge.

The Main Challenge: One Woman Show

Our queens were tasked with writing and starring in a one woman show. A FIVE MINUTE show, which seems like a hella long time to stand in front of folks and try to be funny. The reviews are in. In order of appearance:

Jackie: She did a fun, yet heartfelt, skit about navigating her parents. Her dad is very supportive of her dreams, her mother is unaware she’s a killer drag queen. Her skit gave us some insight into Jackie Cox, and I loved it.

Crystal Methyd: Girl. She leaned into the weird and played a character, Phenomenal Phil. Phil is a male exotic dance instructor to the stars. Phil is also amazing. I would legit buy Phil Me Up, the instructional DVD. And I haven’t purchased a DVD in many several years.

Heidi: Heidi took us home. She told us a potato salad-heavy story about her family. Her skit had a ton of potential because Heidi is hysterical. Her performance ended up being a little messy. Too many characters, but her outfit was dope.

Gigi: My Gigi girl had a hilarious concept. Flight Attendant on the plane to Hell. She had many hilarious moments, she also had a few deer in the headlights moments. I wanted her to trust herself and really go for it. She was about 87% there.

Sherry Pie: Girl. I was livid watching her performance. First of all, the rules clearly stated that the time limit of five minutes. This bitch talked for seventeen. I wanted to Gong Show her at the seven minute mark. Then she had the audacity to pretend she didn’t realize she went over. Apololies! Apololies! I’m not buying it.

Jaida: She was tasked with following SP who, frankly, wore out the audience. Jaida has been on an upward trajectory, and I think Sherry Pie sabotaged her. Her skit needed work. It wasn’t the best one of the night, but she had a hard job after SP’s dissertation.

Category is: Purple

Here’s the breakdown:

Jackie: Purple People Eater Realness. Jackie went in a different direction this week, and I loved it.

Crystal: Purple Cow Stunning! She’s just so much fun.

Heidi: Pretty in Purple. She went glamour. The dress was beautiful, and purple is a great color on her.

Gigi: Daphne Blake. Down to the white heels. Perfection.

Sherry Pie: Some bullshit about the Chesshire Cat. She didn’t look like a cat, Chesshire or otherwise. It was bad. I don’t like her, but this was an extra bad week for she and I.

Jaida: GIIIIIIIIRRRRRRLLLL. I can’t even talk about how beautiful she looked in shimmery purple. She’s perfect.

My favorite looks:

  1. Crystal Methyd
  2. Gigi Goode
  3. Jaida Essence Hall

My least favorite:

Sherry Pie. 100%.

And the Winner Is: 

Crystal Methyd!

She finally won a challenge!!!! I’m so thrilled for her. And so is everyone else. That’s the beauty of htis season. The support is wonderful.

The Bottom Two of the Week:

Heide vs. Jaida. And I didn’t even want to watch.

Both ladies did a phenomenal job, but Jaida pulled out the win. That’s right. Our little Heidi Good God Almighty Afrodite is taking her soft and supple skin home. And I was devastated. She left with some advice from Mama Ru. Move. Go to a big city and be the star she already is. I hope she takes Ru’s words and runs with them. I also hope she gets a key to her hometown because that seems important to her for reasons no one knows. I love Heidi Hiding N. Closets No More and I want the very best for her.

Guest Judge: Whoopi.

Mrs. Goldberg if you’re nasty. I was worried that working on The View might have killed Whoopi’s soul, but I was wrong. She gave the queens great advice, took a moment to hug Jaida, and was all around wonderful.

Quote of the Week:

“She’s totally stalking us.” – Michelle Visgae making a broccoli joke.

Random Notes from the Week:

The only thing I would change about this episode is the bottom two. I would have clocked Sherry hard for not following the rules. She technically didn’t do the challenge. And her runway was confusing at best. And I guarantee Heidi could have out lip synced her.

Thoughts on S12E11? Tell us in the comments.

Okay, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Smoky Lynx

Terry Gross Dunks On People. That’s Who She Is.

The Last Degree of Kevin Bacon

4 Murderous Pretzels

You know that famous actor Randy Beslow? Of course you don’t. You would if that swaggering douche canoe Kevin Bacon hadn’t swept in and stolen the lead role in Footloose away from him. The bastard even stole his signature white tank top. Bacon became a star and Randy’s career stalled out. Awash in disappointment and rage, Randy lost role after role becoming more and more obsessed with that life stealing sumbitch Bacon with each passing year.

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Now the only gig that Randy can get is voice over work reading symptoms in prescription drug commercials. Until he gets fired from that because nobody can stand the way he says “vaginal dryness”. Which is a fair complaint. Then he goes home to find that his new wife and adult son are having an affair and have packed all of his stuff into a U-Haul. Randy has had it. Officially. His only reasonable course of action is to drive out to LA with his unbelievably handsome best friend and kill Kevin Bacon.

Randy’s theory is that once he destroys Kevin Bacon the Baconater’s life will become his through some sort of highly questionable transitive property. His sweet ass career, his smoking hot wife Kyra Sedgewick. Randy will finally beat Bacon and be made gloriously whole.

Except Kevin Bacon’s life isn’t that great. Well, I mean, it’s pretty great but impish NPR elf Terry Gross just embarrassed him on National Public Radio for not having any friends. KB is so focused on his career that his only friend is his wife Kyra and honestly Kyra is looking for a little space. She can’t keep going to every Wild Things theme night at a Lakers game. Besides, all Kevin ever wants to do is go to the Coinstar booth at the local grocery store and organize his auxiliary cords. It leaves almost no time for her to attend meetings of her vintage pornography club or to lovingly tend to her worm farm. Kevin is so clingy he could be the spokesperson for Saran Wrap.

As Randy is stalking his prey said prey hits Randy with his car and Randy wakes up to find himself in Bacon’s home. He can totally use the opportunity to kill the sucker. Except, Kyra’s Spidey Senses are tingling. Why does Randy always have so many knives? If he’s a rocket scientist why does he have so much time to kick it with Kevin. What’s he always laughing maniacally about? It doesn’t track so Kyra fall back into her iconic Closer character to get some answers. She dons her trademark Closer blazer and slow as honey southern accent and delves into the strange, sad life of Randy Beslow.

The Closer- - The Closer fan Art (23623897) - fanpop

How’s this absurdly hilarious little story going to end? Will Kyra find Randy out? Will Randy become the new Kevin Bacon vis a vie gruesome murder? Will Kevin’s high octane adaption of Frog and Toad are Friends ever see the light of day? What’s Rob Reiner’s take on this whole situation? Hop onto Spotify to hear the answers to all of these intriguing questions and to hear a really great John Malkovitch impression. You shan’t regret it.

My Brain is Barren Wasteland

Lookie here, a few weeks ago, I started a new job that is 1000% centered around numbers. Now, I didn’t go to school for math, so it’s taking every last bit of my brain power. The result is, I’m not reading as much as I did when I was on full blown lock down.

I’m balancing three books right now, and I’ve completely lost track of what books I’ve reviewed and which ones I haven’t. So, we’re doing a High Fidelity style top five list, y’all.

The Princess Bride.

Everyone has seen the movie, right? Apparently not, which is:

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I read the book about – god – 20 years ago. How is that possible? Anyway, I read it and that William Goldberg is a clever bastard. You should for sure read this book. It is magical, clever, funny, and just straight up wonderful.

A Boy’s Life.

A coming of age story for the ages. A Boy’s Life is equal parts coming of age, mystery book, and magic. I read this one about fifteen years ago. It was given to me by a wonderful friend after the death of another friend. I was going through a tough time, and this book made it a little bit easier.

Catcher in the Rye. 

Look, I’ve already explained why I love this book and I shan’t do it again. If you need a refresher, read this blog.

Harry Potter. 

I avoided HP like the Coronavirus until book four came out. An eight-year-old girl changed my mind. She was so stoked to get her hands on this epic tome, despite being surrounded by insane protesters. She caught my attention, and I started reading book one the following day. I’ve been a Potterhead ever since. #nevilleforlife

My Name is Trouble. 

Look, this is a super fun murder mystery book that came out last year. You guys, it is dope. A teen sleuth, a dead author, counterfeit wine, and a huge secret. This book is crazy good and there’s another one coming out, hopefully, later this year!

And, because we are living in the end times, check out this bonus list featuring pandemic and post-apocolyptic reads:

The Stand. A classic by the King of horror.

The Hunger Games. Look, it’s fun and I’ve already done a lot of research regarding which district I’m from. I have it narrowed down to Districts 7 or 11. I’m leaning toward 11.

Top 30 District 11 GIFs | Find the best GIF on Gfycat

Severance. Since the COVID outbreak, I’ve started thinking that the author might be psychic because this book is actually what is happening IRL. Crazy, y’all.

Warm Bodies. A zombie love story for the ages.

And, last but not least:

Battle Royale. Y’all. This book is Hunger Games for grown folks. A group of 8th graders are sent to duke it out on a remote island. They’re each given a weapon; weapon is used loosely. Some kids get a machine gun, others get an iron skillet. I assume so they can cook their last meal. It’s not fair at all, there’s a thread of Bruce Springsteen running through it, and it has one of the dopest endings I’ve ever read.

So, that’s it, y’all. Stay safe, stay healthy, and stay the hell away from me.

Okay, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Smoky Lynx

 

Drag Race Eleganza: S12,E10

4 Pretzels.

Guess who’s back in the house? Michelle Visage. She’s back, back, back again.

So, this week’s episode was super fan super fun. Let’s get into it, shall we?

The Aftermath

Last week’s elimination was a tough one. Our Widow Von’Du went home, and, honestly, I think she sent herself packin’. She got in her head and in her own way a few weeks ago, and never recovered.

The Mini Challenge: NONE

Y’all, we do not have time for that.

The Main Challenge: It’s a Makeover, Henny!

Our queens were tasked with making over Drag Race super fans. And all I have to say is, why did I not see this open call to be on the show? Can you imagine? My dream is to be on a reality show, and I feel like DR would be the perfect platform for me. I’D BRING MY OWN LASHES, EVEN! MANY SEVERAL PAIR! I’m happy for these ladies, but mostly I’m hella jealous.

The things about the super fans that’s different than previous makeover challenges is, these ladies are like, “Do whatever you need to to win.” They understand the game, which is really exciting.

Category is: Drag Family Resemblance

Here’s the breakdown:

Heidi & Nicole: Disco Inferno. Nichole’s face looked beautiful; Heidi did a great job on her makeup. My issue was the outfits. Heidi was head to toe shimmer in an awesome jumpsuit. Her sister wore a mini dress, which is totally fine, but the material was so disjointed that I would not have guessed they were a team if I saw them out.

Jackie Cox & Lil’ Snackie Cox: Disco Inferno Part Two: Electric Boogaloo. Mother daughter hittin’ the club. They looked great. However, I’m kinda over the disco looks during the makeover challenges.

Jaida & Bethany: glamour sistas. They looked beautiful in red. And Jaida made the gowns, which gave her a leg up. She was also charged with matching the queens up. She did a stellar job and was praised by the judges for doing so.

Crystal & Grace: Bert & Ernie realness. Okay, so, when I saw that Grace was completely yellow, I was scured. But it worked! They looked so damn cute. I love Crystal. She did her sister proud.

Sherry Pie & Janet the Planet: Ketchup and mustard diner gals. By now, you know my thoughts and feelings on SP, but she did a great job this week. Honestly, if you just glanced, it would be difficult to tell who was who.

Gigi & Shea: Fluffer sisters. Hey, Michelle said it first. They looked beautiful, but Gigi always looks beautiful. She did her signature makeup on her sister, and both ladies looked great. It just was underwhelming following Crystal and Sherry.

The super fans then had to lip sync for their lives, and IT WAS AMAZING. And only three people died. Just kidding. No one died.

My favorite looks:

  1. Crystal Methyd
  2. Ugh. Sherry Pie
  3. Jaida Essence Hall

My least favorite:

Man, I hate to say this, but Heidi and Jackie were in the bottom for me this week. Blame it on the disco!

And the Winner Is: 

Jaida Essence Hall!

And her little baby daughter won a $5,000 Betsey Johnson gift certificate along with a personal shopper. So, she’ll get a dress and two handbags, but STILL that’s an amazing prize.

The Bottom Two of the Week:

Heide vs. Jackie. And I didn’t even want to watch.

Both ladies did a phenomenal job. Heidi took the sexy dancer approach. Jackie took a goofy approach. Both worked because WE GOT A DOUBLE SAVE. I legit did that cheesey thing people do at sporting events when a point is scored where they throw their hands up and yell like a maniac. That happened. On my couch.

Guest Judge: Daisy Ridley

Daisy was a delight. Look, I don’t care much about the Star War, but I’ve heard her on podcasts and such, and she’s a riot. No standout moments, but she was good. But nobody cares because Michelle was back, and that’s all that matters.

Quote of the Week:

“When in doubt, turn it out.” – Jaida Essence Hall

I feel like these are great words to live by. All the time.

Random Notes from the Week:

I’m happy we got the double save, but it makes me worried about next week. Already.

Thoughts on S12E10? Tell us in the comments.

Okay, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Smoky Lynx