Hey, y’all. I saw something recently that I haven’t been able to shake. Something I’m still struggling to make sense of it today. That something was an “extreme mini golf” competition on ABC called Holey Moley. I don’t know if this is so dumb it’s brilliant or if someone at ABC has a staggering drug problem and snuck it on the air before anyone could stop them.
It opens with Stephan Curry, a basketball player so famous that even I know who he is, wearing a smoking jacket and sitting in the Holey Moley clubhouse. He explains that no, this is not a bizarre dream, it’s a real actual contest that pits mini golf masters against each other on a massive course filled with dangerous, brightly colored obstacles.
Rob Riggle and Joe Tessatore provide running sports commentary as though this is a serious event. It’s like if American Ninja Warrior gave up on being inspirational and just whacked it’s contestants repeatedly in the crotch and then pelted them with banana creme pies.
Twelve contestants play against each other on a series of increasingly bizarre holes and the winner of the whole shebang gets 25 grand, a golden putter, and a green plaid blazer that only RuPaul can really pull off.
Our first round pitted an english teacher who seemed perfectly lovely against a young man in a rainbow unicorn onesie. After being violent body checked not once but twice by the rotating blades of a giant windmill the english teacher loses to unicorn onesie guy. It’s tough to play golf when your ribs are literally shattered. From there contestants have to face a mountainous slip n’ slide and a series of giant logs that you have to duck and dodge while attempting to hit your ball. Then Stephan Curry shows up in a helicopter, as he is apparently wont to do.
Our next set of golfers are given an assist to get their ball to the green. Holly and Alex must choose between having Stephan Curry or a smack talking golf robot with Rob Riggle’s face hit the ball for them. Alex is eating a banana and trying way too hard to be cool. He chooses Riggle Bot and loses the round. This pleases me.
More quick cuts. A self proclaimed trophy husband who doesn’t deserve a name is knocked out by a gentleman calling himself “Lumberjack Bob”. That’s something trophy husband will have to live with every day for the rest of his life. Next up is something called the wall of distraction. As two competitors attempt to sink their putt a large wall on the course spins around and Kenny. Freaking. G. comes capering out and gets right up in their business with his sultry and soothing smooth jazz. What? I am perplexed and delighted.
The final round involves zip lining onto a clearly uncushioned platform in the middle of a pool and then trying to win the final hole with the beginning stages of a concussion. Someone does! They receive their applause and prizes from Stephan and are presumably then rushed to the ER for a ct scan. Seriously guys, I was equal parts entertained and alarmed by this. Holey Moley airs on Thursday nights at 7:00. Watch and have your mind blown. Or, if you would like to watch quality programming check out BLL: Episode 202