It’s Friday and you know what that means. Lynx is on day two of a four day hangover and it’s time for some Folklore, henny.
Hey Bookworms! Have you been watching Big Little Lies? Maybe you like to picture yourself emoting and driving as a hauntingly evocative tune plays in the background? Who doesn’t? The whole Monterey mom mystique is very enticing. Mostly. Being constantly surveilled by an obsessive detective and also the straight up crazy pants mother of the dirtbag you and your crew were forced to gank on trivia night seems like it takes a real toll on a gal. As it turns out, Detective Lurksalot and Mary Louise are just continuing a long-standing Big Sur area tradition. Though they are, admittedly, going out of their way to be creepy about it.
Stories of the Dark Watchers have been floating around California for over a hundred years. The Watchers are between 7-15 feet tall and appear to be made entirely of shadows. People often report that they’re out for a hike or a drive and see one or more of the Watchers along a ridge or at the edge of the forest. They wear wide brimmed hats and long, flowy cloaks. Sometimes they carry a walking stick or a staff with them. Their whole aesthetic seems to be Stevie Nicks meets hipster. It’s a good look. It would be even better if they carried shadow tambourines to really complete the look but I digress. You can only really look at the Watchers from the corner of your eye. They disappear just as soon as you look directly at them or try to come closer. I wonder if Celeste has tried making aggressive eye contact and speed walking at Mary Louise to get her to go away? I mean, it’s worth a shot.
Nobody knows where the Watchers came from or what they’re looking for. I’m guessing that they, much like Bono, still haven’t found it though. Regardless, they look dope as hell while they keep an eye on things and all of their mysterious, brooding charisma really captivates people. John Steinbeck mentioned them in The Long Valley, poets write about them all the time, and people on the internet love to share their stories of watching the Watchers. Some people say that they find the scrutiny of the Watchers unnerving or that it makes them feel unsafe but those people must exclusively be dudes. Women are more than used to feeling strangers eyes on them at all times.
I feel like it would be an amazing relief to know that the large shadowy entity appraising you from a distance wasn’t going to catcall you, or assault you, or monologue at you about what a great movie American Psycho is while they inch ever more uncomfortably close to you at a party. That’s the dream, my friends. Gaze moodily at me all the live long day. As long as I don’t have to do that thing where I turn my keys into a weapon designed to squish through a human eyeball I am delighted. Because I’m sure that there would be a horrible sort of goo involved with eyeball squishing and a popping noise and I would probably yak. I would most assuredly yak.
If the Monterey Five knew that the detective and Mary Louise were going to observe them constantly but wouldn’t try to throw their fashionable heinies in the hoosegow or steal their children, they would probably be way more chill about everything. The entirety of season two would be a non-issue. How great would that be? I know I usually end these blogs with a warning to avoid whatever character we’ve been talking about, but I feel like the Dark Watchers are for sure less toxic than most strangers that I interact with on the daily. I know that they’re shy and absolutely will not attend your disco themed party; if you do happen to make eye contact with them, at least smile or give them a little wave. The world has fallen in love with many a heartthrob for standing in the distance and majestically pondering some mystery of the universe. I think it’s high time that we give some of that love to the Dark Watchers. They deliver all of the drama without the problematic personal behavior and that’s the kind of gift I can really get behind. See you at the beach, Bookworms!