At Least Yertle Wasn’t Interested in Your Butt

Hey Bookworms! You know I’ve always thought of turtles as one of the more respectable members of the animal kingdom. They win footraces through patience and determination, they look real cute when they eat lettuce, and the animated ones fight crime and love pizza. What’s not to love? A whole hell of a lot if you’re dealing with a Kappa. I mean, to be fair – hold on –

– they aren’t entirely turtles. They’re child sized yokai that live in the lakes and rivers of Japan.

Kappa are monsters with monkey faces and beaked noses and one long arms connected through their torso like some kind of lincoln log creation. They have greenish skin and thin turtle style shells on their back and also a natural dent in the top of their heads that has to be filled with water at all times or they will die. In a country full of absolutely nightmarish folklore creatures, Kappa are one of the most feared. Kappa are tricksters by nature so sometimes they just give you a good razzin’ or peek up your kimono while you’re visiting their shores, but sometimes they are absolutely murderous for no good reason. Kappa will try to drown a person at the drop of a hat and sometimes they attack swimmers just to gain access to that person’s shirikodama.  That’s a ball that Japanese folks believe contains your soul and is located in your anus. Yep, you heard me. They have no interest in foot races and they are after your mystical anus ball.

What wankers. They are garbage turtles and they should be both ashamed and apologetic.

Bookworms, they are neither. They have been up to this hooligan ass behavior for hundreds of years and are considered so universally terrible that the image of a Kappa drowning a horse is one of the most recognized in all of Japan. Why though? I get it. Kappa are loathsome murder amphibians but why are y’all so obsessed with illustrating it? There’s no need to belabor the point, fellas. It’s a common sign to see by a lake. “Warning-potential horse murder. All ponies should wear floaties at all times and dog paddle at their own risk. Our waterways are filled with shit head turtle people.” At least that’s what I imagine the signs say although I will admit that it is not the catchiest of wording.

So, what can one do if they are forced to engage in a battle with a Kappa? You could try to spill the noggin water in their head dent. Try to trick them in bowing and spilling it or launch a super absorbent sponge at it with a drone maybe? If you have neither impeccable manners nor a small remotely controlled sponge laden aircraft you could challenge them. These suckers love sumo wrestling because why not? Nothing about them makes any kind of sense. Be warned, the Kappa will make a metal cover to protect their head hydration before you commence to wrasslin’ so you will have to beat them fair and square.

If you do, they will retreat in defeat and the sanctity of your anus is secure. If you feel like you can’t beat them, you could at least try to pull out their weird lincoln log arm. If you snatch that they are at your mercy and will kick rocks if you promise to give it back.

I’m disgusted just typing this. I can’t believe that these Kappa jerks are just out in these streets being awful and besmirching the good name of peaceful turtles everywhere. The nerve. The very cheek. Yertle was a fascist douchebag but at least he learned something in the end. I hold no such hope for the Kappa. All I can say is that if you happen to fancy yourself a nice swim while you’re in Japan, you better be ready to throw bows lest you be killed horribly by a 3 foot beaked butthole. Have no mercy Bookworms. Sweep the leg if you have too. This behavior will not, shall not, stand. I’m declaring war against the Kappa and I will not rest until they are tamed. In fact. I’ve got a wrestling lesson to get to. I’m coming for those yellow-bellied terrapin bastards and I’m coming full force. See you next week, Bookworms!