Elvira Mistress of the Dark
4 Pretzels
Hey ghoul gang! It’s the first Friday of October and I would be remiss, nay, I would be a type 1 dweeb if I didn’t take the opportunity to shout out the breast horror hostess in the game. That’s right benches. I’m talking about Elvira Mistress of the Dark,
Is this movie scary? No, not even a little bit. It’s a hilariously campy homage to the very DD movies Elvira herself screens and you can stream it for free on Amazon Prime. How campy, you ask? So campy that it’s RuPaul’s favorite movie of all time. What’s it about?
The story is that Elvira’s boss gets handsy so she throws him across the set and threatens to tie his wiener in a granny knot if he ever touches her again and then quits. She’s got a show to do in Vegas anyway, or she does if she can come up with 50 grand.
All seems lost until she gets word that her long lost great aunt Morgana has died and requested that Elvira come to the reading of her will. So, our girl heads off to the quaint hamlet of Falwell, Massachusetts with dreams of the cash and prizes she needs to fund her Vegas residency. Unfortunately, Falwell has the world’s largest stick shoved up its collective ass so they aren’t really fans of our our goth glamazon. Even more unfortunately, Aunt Morgana didn’t leave her big old bags of cash. She’s left her haunted mansion, her punk rock poodle, and a very peculiar cookbook to Elvira. So, she must make her own luck in the face of town prude Chastity Pariah and her evil Uncle Vinny who want that book like a Sanderson sister wants a kiddie cutlet. Demons show up, there’s some witchcraft and witch burning, a butt load of one liners, and some truly awful ’80s fashion. Of course, in the end our girl comes out on top.
This movie is imminently quotable and absolutely fabulous. It’s a fun solo view but it really comes alive when you watch it with a group. I’ve invented a drinking game where you take a shot every time there’s a boob joke and down a whole drink when this happens.
You’ll be ass up dummy drunk by the halfway point. The perfect state in which to view this film!
The costume here is obvious. Elvira. But which Elvira should you be? Classic Elvira? Dressing gown and face mask Elvira? Vinny Fighting Badass Elvira? The choice is up to you. They’re all excellent options. So, get yourself and your boo crew together and have some dranks while you bask in the glory of our international scream qween. Until then, unpleasant dreams darlings!
Holland + Harper Productions 