I’m not even going to do the whole pretzel rating thing because it doesn’t matter, much like time lines and writing in this entire season.
Look, when The Walking Dead premiered, I was IN TO IT. I loved it. Then the show sort of lost its way. It jumped the shark, if you will.
Now, in Season 9, we’re just playing double dutch with sharks. As the co-author of the internationally acclaimed comedic murder mystery series, An Ermahgerd Merstery, my threshold for ridiculous is HIGH. I can let a lot of shit go. I mean, we propelled someone through the air and killed them with an ice skate. We propelled another person through the air and killed them with a lemon cream pie. It just occurred to me that we are very much into propelling people through the air. What I’m say is, does everything that happens during a zombie apocalypse have to make sense? Certainly not. I would just like something to make sense.
Also, when did we become so scared of killing people off? We had no issue killing Shane, Dale, or Lori – blessed be because she was the absolute worst – but now it’s just getting stupid. I was so ready for the death of Rick Grimes. So ready. But instead we get a near death, a bunch of hallucinations – it was great seeing Shane. I am #TeamShane – and then he blows up the bridge to save his pals. Awww, buddy, you did it! Except he didn’t die. He is spirited away in a godt damn helicopter with former dumpster lady who, praise be, has at least begun speaking in full sentences. NOOOOOOOOO! I’m so over the helicopter. And now we’ve jumped six years into the future.
Our communities are no longer harmonious, Maggie has run off, Michone is mad, no one is talking. It would be dope if the viewer knew why. They eventually do fill us in on a little bit of the back story there. Something about Tara from True Blood making a gang of murderous children. Again, it doesn’t really matter anymore. So, Rick and Maggie are gone, but not forgotten. Certainly not dead, just in case we want to bring them back in a later season. It’s soap opera 101.
I will say, the season picked up for me when the Whisperers showed up. Look, I could never be a Whisperer. Not because I am opposed to wearing a cured and tanned zombie face over my face allowing me the freedom to walk among them, but because I am terrible at whispering. It would never work out and Alpha would kill me in one second. She’s a bad bitch. And committal. She has a very clear idea of what needs to be done and she does it. Also, she’s just scary.
And peep those zombie-wearing folks behind her. The Whisperers are no joke, so I am anxious to see how our crew deals with them in season 10. I mean, they didn’t do a stellar job of handling them in season 9. I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. Let Negan out of his cell, let him get his bearings – he’s been in the cage a long time. In fact, he escaped and came back in this season because he can’t hack it outside anymore – and let him negotiate with Alpha. It will, at the very least, be entertaining.