I Don’t Care What You Did Last Summer

2 Pretzels.

Readers, I regret to inform you that I Know What You Did Last Summer just really isn’t that good. Look, I was just as scared as you were back in my teens, but rewatching it was like, meh. It could be that we live in a terrifying dumpster fire time so getting gutted by a fisherman doesn’t seem like the worst option anymore. Plus, I didn’t run him over and not only leave him for dead, but push him in the water to ensure he died, so I’m pretty safe. Also, I’m an only child so I don’t have to worry about my super cool little sister who I’m insanely jealous of dragging me into her drama.

Side bar: the creepiest thing about this movie is Shiver’s. That store is just a nightmarescape come to life. Why does everything have to covered in those weird bags every night? Why is most of your inventory in the back? See, movies like this are why the Karens of the world believe there’s a mystery back room where stores keep all their good stock. It’s simply not true. It’s more likely a narrow space that is either too hot or too cold, depending on the weather, with a gross microwave from the ’80s tucked in the corner. You’ll usually have a folding table and two wonky chairs. That’s it. Unless the store is feeling fancy, in which case there will be one of those red and white gingham table cloths and it will be inexplicably sticky. Stop perpetuating the myth of the luxurious, fully-stocked backroom. It doesn’t exist. Back to the movie.

The cast is brimming with ’90s dreamboats: SMG, Ryan Phillippe, Freddy Prince Jr., and Jennifer Love Hewitt. It’s just a shame the actual writing isn’t that great. My favorite line is when David from Roseanne tells Ray (FP Jr.) that he looks like he thinks his shit doesn’t stink. Readers, that’s just his face. Freddy Prince Jr. has a reverse RBF. He can’t help but look kinda delighted all the time. Cut him some slack, David. Not that it really matters, David will be dead by the 20 minute mark of this film.

So, the premise of this movie is this, the kids run over a guy, freak out, toss him in the water, and go their separate ways. Except he isn’t dead and we spend half the movie chasing after a red herring. Speaking of herring, this movie is full of fish. Anne Heche is doing a weird survivalist thing in the woods. It’s a complex plot that doesn’t actually go anywhere.

^The plot to go somewhere! [Smoky Lynx spins with reckless abandon]

I think this movie really wanted to be Scream part duex. Speaking of Scream 2, it’s a great movie, so you should probably watch that instead.

One final sidebar: When the kids are on the beach hanging out and it’s time to go home, I do appreciate that the movie made a point to stress that Barry (Ryan Phillippe) was too drunk to drive, so Ray drove. Barry still acted a fool and ultimately caused the accident, but they took a firm stance on the not drinking and driving thing. So, there you have it kids, be like the gang in IKWYDLS and hand over those keys. And then immediately stop being like the gang in IKWYDLS because all of their other decisions are garbage.

Okay, byeeeeeeeee.

Smoky Lynx