The Faculty: A Review
2 Pretzels
I LOVED this movie when I was in high school, which is why I was a little nervous to rewatch it. But I did, and it is not great, y’all.
The Faculty focuses on a Breakfast Club style group of kids who would 100% not hangout IRL as they observe their school being taken over by aliens.
Let’s talk about our kids, shall we? Stan (Shawn Hatosy) is the star quarterback who is evaluating his life. He decides to tell his girlfriend about it, but she has zero time to talk about anything but herself.
The girlfriend, Delilah (Jordana Brewster) is very far up her own ass. Just very far. She is also head cheerleader, though she doesn’t seem to care about the big game and completely misses it, and also editor-in-chief of the high school paper. She is also an asshole. So much that it is impossible to tell when she becomes a pod person.
Stokely (Clea Duvall) is my favorite. She is just trying to hangout by herself and read sci-fi books. Leave the girl alone.
Casey (Elijah Wood), bless him, is bullied relentlessly. He reminded me how awful school can be for some kids.
Marybeth (Laura Harris) is the new girl who is just doing the most with that southern accent. You guys, that isn’t really what we sound like.
Zeke (Josh Hartnett) is an enigma. Zeke sells a lot of contraband out of his trunk, is essentially Bill Nye the Science Guy, could possibly be having an affair with a teacher, and, by the end of the movie, is smoking while at football practice.
Most of the movie takes place at school, but we do go to Zeke’s house, which is massive and nice. So, he’s selling drugs not for the money but because he likes it. Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.
Right off the bat, the aliens start taking over the faculty. You can tell someone is a host because they become hella thirsty. Not in a Miss Burke (Famke Janssen) way; they can’t get enough water. They love the stuff.
So, Casey discovers a weird little animal guy. He shows it to his science teacher (Jon Stewart), who goes to check it out under a microscope. Zeke is all, “move bitch. Get out the way” and, for some reason, everyone stands by while he takes over. They end up putting the little guy in the fish tank where it comes back to life and replicates.
This is the point where I pack my bags and move to a new town. But our kids, most of whom are in science together, band together and come up with a plan. Zeke’s drugs are guaranteed to jack you up and also dry you out. The pod people can’t stand it! So, during the big football game, they go looking for the queen so they an dose her with pen speed. Only to find out she was in their midst all along! It’s Marybeth. No one should be surprised. At this point, only Zeke and Casey remain actual people. So, they bring down Marybeth and everyone goes back to being themselves. Except for Principal Drake because Zeke shot her in the head earlier.
The pod people have no idea that for a solid 48 hours they were possessed by a weird parasite and consumed insane amounts of water. You know, I bet they feel really good. There’s nothing quite like being properly hydrated. And, of course, Casey is now dating Delilah (why, tho?) and Stan and Stokely are an item. The most annoying thing about it is, Stokely has completely changed her look. It’s weird. She went from all black to lilac sweater sets. I don’t care for it. And, because Marybeth was actually a monster, Zeke is left with no one except for Miss Burke. Like, what is her deal? She’s like a shy Ezra Fitz and that’s not a good look on anybody.
My take away from The Faculty is, sometimes having a pocket full of drugs isn’t a bad idea.
Okay, byeeeeeeee.
Smoky Lynx
Holland + Harper Productions 