Okay, so riding a horse is hella hard. The trip down to the stables was easy peas. Tobias was just finishing up putting the horse seat and handlebars on…oh my god, this sounds like a setup to a romance novel. It is not. He left to get back to ‘mother’ and I attempted to getContinue reading “Chestnut and I have Parted Ways”
Wowzers y’all, this week has been a real holiday rollercoaster. I’ve been jumping at the slightest sound all week, so sure was I that I had finally crossed the line and pushed Smoky into murdering me. My room was filled with every Precious Moments figurine in the house but I still couldn’t sleep. I wouldContinue reading “In Which I Realize Who The Real Scrooge Was All Along”
Since seeing the movie, I’ve told everyone I needed a nap around the time they’re about to start one of their asinine holiday festivities. Only a handful of these people even like me, so no one cares when I beg off so they can roast more chestnuts. These people are obsessed with nuts.
So, things have taken an unexpected turn this Christmas. Smoky and Delphine went for a joyride into town a few nights ago and Delphine reconnected with her on again/off again beau Johannes the elderly innkeeper. I know that doesn’t sound so bad but on the last go round they entered into a polyamorous situation withContinue reading “It’s Like Romeo and Juliet Up In Here”
Turns out snowmobiles are not that great. It’s impossible to maintain my aesthetic while plowing through snow. I lost an eyelash, my wig was askew, and, because of the cold wind, I was forced to zip my insulated jumpsuit all up to my neck. Look, I have killer collarbones. I’d like everyone to know that.Continue reading “Snowmobiles, Smowmobiles”
You guys! Christmas is only two weeks away and I am having the best time. I built a snow bigfoot, Thurston, my favorite bear came to visit, and last night we all piled into great grandpa Artemis’ handmade sleigh and went for a ride while we looked at the stars. Smoky wasn’t interested in theContinue reading “Is it Possible to Overdose on Mouthwash? Asking for a friend.”
Okay, so, turns out I’m in a small, picturesque town near Woodstock, Vermont. Oh, you haven’t heard of it? That’s because NO ONE HAS. Here’s an overview: Hallmark Christmas movies could be, and likely have been, filmed here, everyone is hella perky, and there’s an underlying tinge of weird. I can’t put my finger onContinue reading “So, I Almost Got Eaten By a Bear…”
Ok, Ok, Y’all. Did I slip a couple of crushed up valium into one of Smoky’s nightcaps, pack a go bag and haul her unconscious body onto my cousin Antoine’s private plane then abscond to Vermont with her? Yes. Yes, I absolutely did. BUT I did it for a good reason. See, Smokes always saysContinue reading “It Was Only a Little Bit Criminal. What was a LeRoux to do?”
The point is, I am now living in a Christmas nightmarescape and need help. I’m not entirely sure where I am, otherwise I would request extraction.