HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALP.
So, I woke up with morning. Well, early afternoon, and found myself in a strange room. Now, this isn’t the first time this has happened, but this was, like, a really strange room. I mean, there was a doily on the nightstand and, upon further inspection, there appeared to be a cabinet full of Precious Moments figurines in the corner. It’s both bizarre and terrifying. I got the impression this place housed an inappropriate number of cats. Then I heard voices. A lot of voices. And they sounded…jolly. I closed my eyes; realizing where I was. The LeRoux house. It seemed, readers, that LeRoux had decided to attend the LeRoux Family Christmas Extravaganza and she’d brought me with her.
Look, I’m aloof, but I do have manners, so I got up, got dressed, and made my way downstairs to the kitchen. Oh, the wall along the stairs is plastered with photos of a young Charlaine, so at least there was that. I tentatively opened the door to the kitchen to find all the LeRouxs and a handful of Dupoixs sitting around the table putting perfectly good popcorn on strings. For some reason.
LeRoux spotted me, that insane Christmas is coming twinkle in her eye, and pulled me further into the room. She then introduced me to roughly fifty people, all of them exactly like her. Look, I can handle a medium amount of enthusiastic joy, but this is…intolerable. Especially before coffee.
So, I managed to pull myself away and get a mug. You guys, there’s nothing in this house to spike coffee with. No Kahlua. No Bailey’s. Nothing. Not even god forsaken butterscotch schnapps. NOTHING. Not only am I being forced into the Christmas spirit, I’m being forced into sobriety. Hooray!
After my coffee, they sat me down to help with the popcorn stringing, but quickly let me out of it when I started eating it all. I can’t help myself around popcorn. It’s one of my favorite food groups. So, instead, I just sat there like an idiot while they went over the itinerary for the week.
Caroling, riding in a horse drawn carriage while we freeze our asses off, gingerbread houses, putting up and decorating trees, after we chop them down, of course, reindeer games. I have NO idea what that last one is, but I assume I won’t like it. Although, I competed on Teen Jeopardy and You Can’t Do that on Television, so maybe I’ll excel at these games as well. Since they are nonsensical, it’s impossible to know for sure. Oh, LeRoux also said something about snow angels and sugar plums.
The point is, I am now living in a Christmas nightmarescape and need help. I’m not entirely sure where I am, otherwise I would request extraction. For now, I’m going to keep my bewigged head down and try to stay out of the way until I can find a way out of here.
Okay, byeeeeeeeee.
Smoky Lynx
Holland + Harper Productions 