Turns out snowmobiles are not that great. It’s impossible to maintain my aesthetic while plowing through snow. I lost an eyelash, my wig was askew, and, because of the cold wind, I was forced to zip my insulated jumpsuit all up to my neck. Look, I have killer collarbones. I’d like everyone to know that. Charlaine’s double cousin – whatever the hell that is – Tobias assured me I looked fine. He’s wrong, but seeing as he’s the only man here under the age of ninety, I’ll take it. And there has to be some money in the family. The estate is massive, so maybe I’ll keep this Tobias thing in my back pocket. Pockets are the only good thing about these coveralls, by the way. The breast pocket is just the right size for a travel bottle of mouthwash.
Speaking of mouthwash, I ordered a case. I’m so glad I did. Aunt Delphine, who is the dopest person here, has really taken to the stuff. The cinnamon one isn’t too bad in coffee or hot chocolate. Oh, and we also have this game where we guess who’s going to lose the lip sync for your life on old episodes of Drag Race. Having seen all of them, I’m at a little bit of an advantage, but it’s still fun. So, the loser gets a shot of the brown Listerine, the winner gets a shot of their choice. If it’s a double save, it’s drinkers choice; double elimination, we both get the brown one. Why does brown Listerine even exist? It is disgusting. But, hey, Delphine and I are working with what we got. While the rest of the family plays reindeer games which, by the way, is them literally pretending to be reindeer, Delphine and I play a much better, much warmer game. Well, we did.
Delphine and I have been separated. Not officially, but it’s pretty clear no one wants us spending time together. While the rest of the clan was making snow angels or whatever, Delphine and I got dressed up, I hot wired a car, and we hit up that Woodstock night life. Woodstock has exactly one bar. We went, we conquered, we shut it down. Aunt Delphine is an excellent wing woman. She didn’t do anything really, people just seemed to want to come talk to her. It’s probably the confused smile; that’s what drew me to her in the first place. So, we posted up and let the fine people of Woodstock come to us. When they found out I’m a published author, they insisted on buying us rounds. Unfortunately this entire town is full of lunatics and they only drinks on the menu were holiday themed – and nonalcoholic. I swear this feels less like a vacation and more like an elaborate attempt to dry me out. It’s not going to work. Thanks to Amazon, I’ll always have my mouthwash. So, anyway, someone realized we were gone and they came to find us. Since then, I can never seem to catch Delphine alone and have been forced to engage in more family activities. Thankfully this house is full of secret passages. There’s one in my room, in fact, behind the Precious Moments monstrosity. I discovered it when I tried to spin the thing around so I wouldn’t have to wake up each morning the round faces of judgmental children. And that Precious Moments dog; I really hate that dog. So, anyway, my room leads directly to the west wing library. From there, I have found passages to the butler’s pantry and the croquet room. That’s right, these weirdos play croquet indoors. I’m sure there are more, but I need more time to explore.
The only great thing to come out of my separation from Delphine is the family has calmed down a bit on the insane outdoor activities. This week we’re going to see a movie. Almost like normal people! I’m actually looking forward to it. I love popcorn and I’m hoping they’ll let me sit by my girl. Or Tobias.