Wowzers y’all, this week has been a real holiday rollercoaster. I’ve been jumping at the slightest sound all week, so sure was I that I had finally crossed the line and pushed Smoky into murdering me. My room was filled with every Precious Moments figurine in the house but I still couldn’t sleep. I would lay awake at night just waiting for the grisly end. No amount of LeRoux family holiday fun could calm me and I’ve been stress eating roasted chestnuts like you would not believe.
Smoky seemed to be quite calm though. She would sneak away for naps every afternoon before the family Scrabble tournament or the contest to see who could make the most realistic snow statue of Don Knotts. Despite my paranoia I grew concerned. I wondered if maybe now that she was sober and fully aware of the changing of the seasons she was experiencing seasonal affect disorder and ordered some vitamin D and those special lights that simulate sunshine for her. I mean, sure. She could also just be exhausted from laying awake at night and planning my demise but you can never be too careful.
After three days of no sleep I got pretty loopy. I could hear someone in the secret passages at night and when I snuck in to investigate there was the faintest hint of mint in the air. My anxiety tripled. I needed more figurines. So many more. After I had transported the contents of every curio cabinet to my bedroom it still didn’t seem like enough so I started pasting cutesy dog faces on a bunch of acorns I collected from the yard and added a sign to each that said “I’m a Precious Moments puppy!”. It was madness.
One night I was laying sleeplessly in bed when I heard such a clatter. I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. I rushed to the window and what, to my wondering eyes, should appear but Smoky. On horseback. wrapped in a strand of unlit Christmas lights and covered in pine needles. She was swearing profusely and carrying a large bag. I realized then and there that I was hallucinating. This had gone too far.
I took a few moments to reflect and made my peace. I mean, if you’re going to be killed in an ingenious murder plot isn’t it better to die at the hands of a friend than a stranger? I think so. Plus, a murder in a country manor on Christmas Eve would be all the town talked about for decades. I would become an urban legend for sure which has always been a dream of mine and I already had a long list of plans for my afterlife. So yeah, I let all of that stress go and decided that dying among family and friends was a pretty ok way to go. I crawled into bed and slept like an angel.
Then on Christmas morning I went downstairs in my reindeer onesie and Smoky was already up waiting for me. With a beautifully wrapped gift. It turns out that all of her scheming had been about how to sneak out and get me a Christmas present and not to put me six feet under. I felt like such a fool. Then I realized that I was the one who needed the dose of Christmas spirit not my bestie. I mean, she has handled this whole Christmas adventure wonderfully. She even made friends. Meanwhile I spiraled into lunacy and acorn crafting.
I learned a real lesson about friendship that day. We laughed and unwrapped our gifts and toasted Listerine spiked cocoa before the rest of the family even got up. Then we heard the sound of vomiting from upstairs and I knew the everyone would be up soon. Every year Tobias gets so excited on Christmas morning that he pukes and then runs to wake us all up. Tobias is 47 years old but still a child at heart and stomach. After the gifts were exchanged and a delicious breakfast was consumed Smoky, Delphine, and I posted up on the couch and watched Some Like it Hot. So, Christmas ended up being a really great day and luckily I’m still alive to enjoy it. I’m still coming for you though, Chlumsky.
Holland + Harper Productions 