Okay, so riding a horse is hella hard. The trip down to the stables was easy peas. Tobias was just finishing up putting the horse seat and handlebars on…oh my god, this sounds like a setup to a romance novel. It is not. He left to get back to ‘mother’ and I attempted to get on the stupid horse. His name was Chestnut. I told you these people are obsessed. I did the running jump thing to try to get on, but he moved, so I sorta smacked into the side of him, which neither of us enjoyed. After many more embarrassing attempts, I was finally on. Chestnut and I took off into the night.
The ride to town was much longer on horseback, but I knew L.L. Bean had the sweater I wanted. I’d decided on the sweater because everyone but me seems to enjoy the hell out of them, and no one needs culottes.
On the way to L.L. Bean, I met a man who was walking his pet pig. I bribed him to go to the store for me. So, there I was, holding a pig on a leash while sitting on a horse. The pig saw something, took off running, the horse got spooked, and we took off. Our path took us directly through the town square, ripping all the lights and decor down as we went. I was covered in fake snow, there were baubles caught in my hair, and, somehow, a string of lights was wrapped around me. As soon as pig man showed up, I took my bag and left. On the way back to the estate, Chestnut walked us directly into a pine tree. Do you know how hard it is to get pine needles out of your hair? Because I do!
It wasn’t easy, but I survived the LeRoux Family Christmas. Here’s the thing, once I got a little alcohol in my system, it wasn’t that terrible. What family isn’t improved by a little alcohol?
The biggest takeaway was my understanding of my relationship with LeRoux. Charlaine LeRoux, not Tobias. Once I found out he was only 47, the spark was gone. There are a few things I look for in a man:
- He must be able to complete the Monday and Tuesday NYT crosswords in under 20 minutes, and I’d like him to be 3/4 of the way through Wednesday and Thursday by the 30 minute mark. Anything else is embarrassing.
- He should be rich. I don’t like working. The only work I want to do is write books with Charlaine. So, if I could find a way to pay all our bills without either of us working, that would be dope.
- They should be settled. By this I mean old. And preferably come with a staff who can help them do things. Because I won’t and I shan’t. I’m only in this for the money so LeRoux and I can spend all our time writing.
All this to say, Tobias is out. His mother needn’t worry. Although, that Antoine…he does have a plane, and he seemed impressed by my death drops. Maybe he’s the next Mister Lynx.
Look, I am not an easy person to be around. I know that about myself. In fact, I practice being unapproachable. But maybe I can go a little easy on LeRoux. She’s been a real pal and she looks great in that distressed sweater. Oh, that’s another thing I learned. I don’t care much for knitwear. I know it’s cozy or whatever, but I prefer to maintain a level of discomfort. As soon as we get home, it’s back to furs and heels, baby.
Holland + Harper Productions 