5 Pretzels.
It’s week seven, y’all, and it’s surely not Rupaul’s Best Friends Race anymore. Look, I don’t get Untucked, but apparently it was heated.
The Aftermath
Aiden went home and now it appears people are pretending to care about her. Lies, lies, Liza Minnelli. And Widow and Heidi are having none of it. Heidi calls out Gigi, Widow calls out every damn body; it was a hot mess. Sherry Pie apologized, which she should be really good at by now. But Widow is having none of their apololies. And she coined a new word for fake apology. So, our girls are fighting like any family does.
The Mini Challenge: NONE
Ain’t nobody got time for dat.
The Main Challenge: Madonna: The Unauthorized Rusical
I LOVE the rusical challenges. Sometimes they are cringey as hell, but they’re still fun. As a huge Madonna fan, I was really excited about this challenge. The fun thing about Lady M is, she is constantly changing, so our queens each got to portray a different Madonna.
Here’s how it went down:
Early Madonna (American Bandstand looking like the most ’80s baby ever): Jan
She’s our theater baby and I wasn’t worried about her at all.
Boy Toy Madonna (Like a Virgin): Jackie Cox
I feel like she misunderstood the assignment a little bit. She was being cutesy and coy rather than humping the damn ground like Madonna. Pssst: Jackie, home girl isn’t actually a virgin.
Unapologetic Madonna (Blonde Ambition): Gigi Goode
Her rehearsal sequence wasn’t great, but when the time came to perform, she rose to the occasion.
Cone Bra Madonna (Express Yourself): Brita
I wasn’t feeling it, but it might be because I am so over Brita. Girl. So over her.
SEX Madonna (Justify My Love): Jaida
Giiiiiiiiiiiiirl. Jaida and her shoulders did a wonderful job.
I had the Immaculate Collection album. My mom let me pick out CDs from Columbia House every now and again. It was one of my picks. I was, like, nine. So, my parents thought I was jamming out to Holiday and Into the Groove, but I was fully a Papa Don’t Preach and Justify My Love girl. It’s just that my folks were too busy trying to win concert tickets from the local radio station to notice.
Movie Star Madonna (Evita): Sherry Pie
A lot of great movie puns, but we don’t talk about SP.
Enlightened Madonna (Ray of Light): Crystal Methyd
Perfect choice for her. She’s a little hippy dippy, can’t sing, and really leaned into the comedic aspects of the performance, and it worked for her.
I really dug the eight limb choreography.
Fempire Madonna (Music): Widow Von’Du
She channeled the “I don’t give a shit” Madonna vibe of that era. Her choreography was on point. I dug it. And I was happy to see it was fempire and not vampire like I thought they said.
Current Madonna (Spoken word): Heidi
She had the dance moves for sure, but it didn’t read super Madonna.
Category is: Michelle Visage
That’s right. The queens got to pay tribute to the one the only Michelle Visage. I adore Michelle and was excited for this runway.
My favorite looks:
- Jan as flight attendant Michelle
- Jaida as Icon Michelle
- Crystal Methyd as Rupaul Show Michelle
My least favorite:
You know, they all did really well. They put together a wide variety of Michelle looks. If you remember seasons 9 and 10, the queens were tasked with Madonna. The looks were repetitive BOTH seasons. How? Anyway, our season 12 ladies learned, and they dug deep for the Visage looks. So, I’m not clockin’ any of them.
And the Winner Is:
…Gigi Goode? Okay, look, Gigi is my girl. I love her and fully anticipate her being in the final, if not winning the season. But, man, I thought this was Jan’s week. Her Madonna was great, and she served a great Visage look. I was shocked and so was Jan. I think I saw laser beams come out of her eyes.
The Bottom Two of the Week:
Brita vs. Heidi
They both gave a great performance, and our Heidi girl pulled out the win.
Guest Judge: Winnie Harlow and The AOC!!!
I’ve been looking forward to the Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez episode all season. She and Jackie had a beautiful moment, and it made me cry. A lot.
Winnie Harlow is a supermodel and she is gorg. Like, super stunning.
Quote of the Week:
“Call me the umpire because I’m about to call some bitches out.” – Heidi
“Was he a guncle?” – Jackie Cox
This isn’t a super great quote, but it brings up the guncle. Everyone needs one. I don’t have one, but what I had was two men named Sam and Richard. I was in high school when I met Sam and Richard, they were about uncle age. They were a wonderful couple who gave me makeup tips, Richard convinced me I could pull off a pixie cut, and they had me and friend over for dinner often. Sam was HIV positive and this was the late ’90s. Sam eventually passed from complications and Richard was not allowed to visit Sam in the hospital because they weren’t married. I think about that sometimes and it infuriates me. After Sam died, Richard moved back home to be close to family, and we lost touch. But I still think about them both often. So, despite not being my actual guncles, they kind of were.
Random Notes from the Week:
So, you can’t break down a top three of Madonna songs. It’s impossible. LeRoux and I have tried.
So, help us out, which is a better feel good summer tune:
- Commotion
- Cherish
P.S. It’s Commotion.
Thoughts on S12E7 and/or Madonna? Tell us in the comments.
Okay, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Smoky Lynx
Holland + Harper Productions 