The Last Degree of Kevin Bacon
4 Murderous Pretzels
You know that famous actor Randy Beslow? Of course you don’t. You would if that swaggering douche canoe Kevin Bacon hadn’t swept in and stolen the lead role in Footloose away from him. The bastard even stole his signature white tank top. Bacon became a star and Randy’s career stalled out. Awash in disappointment and rage, Randy lost role after role becoming more and more obsessed with that life stealing sumbitch Bacon with each passing year.
Now the only gig that Randy can get is voice over work reading symptoms in prescription drug commercials. Until he gets fired from that because nobody can stand the way he says “vaginal dryness”. Which is a fair complaint. Then he goes home to find that his new wife and adult son are having an affair and have packed all of his stuff into a U-Haul. Randy has had it. Officially. His only reasonable course of action is to drive out to LA with his unbelievably handsome best friend and kill Kevin Bacon.
Randy’s theory is that once he destroys Kevin Bacon the Baconater’s life will become his through some sort of highly questionable transitive property. His sweet ass career, his smoking hot wife Kyra Sedgewick. Randy will finally beat Bacon and be made gloriously whole.
Except Kevin Bacon’s life isn’t that great. Well, I mean, it’s pretty great but impish NPR elf Terry Gross just embarrassed him on National Public Radio for not having any friends. KB is so focused on his career that his only friend is his wife Kyra and honestly Kyra is looking for a little space. She can’t keep going to every Wild Things theme night at a Lakers game. Besides, all Kevin ever wants to do is go to the Coinstar booth at the local grocery store and organize his auxiliary cords. It leaves almost no time for her to attend meetings of her vintage pornography club or to lovingly tend to her worm farm. Kevin is so clingy he could be the spokesperson for Saran Wrap.
As Randy is stalking his prey said prey hits Randy with his car and Randy wakes up to find himself in Bacon’s home. He can totally use the opportunity to kill the sucker. Except, Kyra’s Spidey Senses are tingling. Why does Randy always have so many knives? If he’s a rocket scientist why does he have so much time to kick it with Kevin. What’s he always laughing maniacally about? It doesn’t track so Kyra fall back into her iconic Closer character to get some answers. She dons her trademark Closer blazer and slow as honey southern accent and delves into the strange, sad life of Randy Beslow.
How’s this absurdly hilarious little story going to end? Will Kyra find Randy out? Will Randy become the new Kevin Bacon vis a vie gruesome murder? Will Kevin’s high octane adaption of Frog and Toad are Friends ever see the light of day? What’s Rob Reiner’s take on this whole situation? Hop onto Spotify to hear the answers to all of these intriguing questions and to hear a really great John Malkovitch impression. You shan’t regret it.