Hey y’all. I’m taking a break from my nonsense this week to support and share the words of a good friend with regard to the new Hulu documentary Sasquatch. Open your ears and hear the truth. I’m sharing a letter to the public from my good homie Bigfoot below.
Good evening my dudes. I want to take the opportunity to Sasqaush some rumors about a new “true crime” documentary called Sasquatch. This vomitus piece of film suggests that three people on a Northern California pot farm were murdered most foul-like by Bigfoot. You know what the real crime of this documentary is? Defamation! Of thine own character. (And also, obviously, the three heinous murders which yours truly did not do)
There is quite simply zero proof that I was ever even in the vicinity of this terrible crime. Bros, I’m literally covered in hair and leave massive footprints everywhere I go. Even Encyclopedia Brown has the forensic technology to prove that I was never at the scene. Where’s the evidence, yo? The cops ain’t got nothin’ on me, the locals ain’t got nothin’ on me, and this recklessly irresponsible filmmaker ain’t got nothin’ on me.
This tool is just using my good name and the purely speculative and fantastical history of violence that humans have attached to it to get people’s attention. It’s totally bogus, you know?
If he had been honest and called his movie “Well, shit. I don’t know who did it but it was bad” nobody would tune in. So this joker just went for cheap thrills. You guys know me. Maybe I won’t let you photograph me but I let you know where to get your hands on some quality jerky and I don’t do murders. Unless you litter. JK! Kind of. Anyways, I don’t get mad when y’all go traipsing around outside my crib hooting and hollering at all hours trying to communicate with me. First of all, my cousin Batsquatch taught me to meditate. When I get irritated I just take a coupla centering breaths and go about my day.
Second of all, I speak three languages and idiot isn’t one of them so kindly cut that biz out post haste. Third of all, how could any one of you believe that I’m capable of such a base and bloodthirsy act? Have you no chill? My feet may be big but your minds are small. As in narrow, ya’ heard?
I‘ve know that this mess was coming out for months. I called my lawyer, (A chupacabra named Chad) ASAP and tried to block the thing from getting released, right? But then Chad called me and was like “Dude, it’s not really about you. You’re like a metaphor for the monstrous violence that lurks in some humans.” Since it’s not mentioning your full name (Edwin) we can’t do anything to stop it from airing. And then he charged me 2 grand, (pianos. I have no idea what he plans to do with them), and hung up.
Oh yeah, Chad? You’re a metaphor! It doesn’t matter if my full name isn’t on it. The implication alone could ruin my endorsement deals. How would Chad like it if a made a movie called “Chupacabra lawyer can only maintain an erection while watching videos of a baby penguin eating a banana” and aired it on HBOMax? Bet he wouldn’t like it at all. Bet everybody would start looking at him real weird whenever he went to the zoo or shopped in the freezer section and what not.
Besides, people obviously did these murders. Hippies to be specific. Listen, your friend Biggie ain’t dumb. I know all that peace and love crap is just talk. Hippies as a group are some of the worst, most selfish people I’ve ever met. I don’t know why they as a group are universally terrible.
Maybe after you listen to the 40 minute version of Truckin’ for the hundredth time your humanity just collapses like a planet engulfed by a black hole. Whatever the case may be I know it was hippies at the center of this whole crime. I ask that you join me in solidarity and boycott Sasquatch. I appreciate your time.
Sincerely,
E. Big Foote
Holland + Harper Productions 