Same, Mallory, same.
Hello, friends. It’s been…a minute. But I’m back with a Cruel Summer breakdown. No, not the song. Although, I am a fan of both the Bananarama and the T Swift songs as well as the Ace of Base cover. All dope. But, no, I’m talkin’ about the Freeform series you can catch on Hulu.
You guys! This show. It’ll have you asking, “What the hell is up with [insert any of the following]?” Mallory. That g-d snow globe. Jeanette’s brother. Kate’s sister. Kate’s mom – is she fuller’n shit than a Christmas goose or not? I heard this idiom just a few days ago and 1. I love it and 2. It sounds exactly like something Kate’s mom would say. I both love her and hate her. Jeanette’s mom. The clothes. (Did we really dress like that in the ’90s? Yes, we certainly did and, by the looks of it, we’re doing it again.) But before I get into the story, I wanna talk about the Gravitron.
For those of you who don’t know, the Gravitron is basically a giant centrifuge that people who couldn’t care less about safety strap children into and proceed to spin the hell out of them. Much like its small, medical counterpart, it separates things. Like, in this case, it separates the deep fried pterodactyl leg and funnel cake they just washed down with a too big soda from the person’s stomach. It’s a puke fest waiting to happen. And, for some reason, we can’t get enough of it.
I don’t go to the fair. I won’t, and I shan’t. You see, I have a fair curse. Every time I have ever gone, something bad has happened. The “something” ranges from losing my shoe and having to walk through a horse enclosure to get it because the methed out carnie who had clearly spent the afternoon at the Branding Iron – the Branding Iron is a bar directly across from our fairgrounds, and they know exactly who their target market is. Every year, they display a massive banner that says “Welcome Carnies”, and the carnie folk come a runnin’. – Anyway, this guy refused to help me, so I had to wade through horse shit in the dark to retrieve my shoe. I’ve also gotten my thumb lodged very deeply in my forehead, I’ve been thrown up on multiple times – once on the Gravitron – and the last time I went, there was a drive by shooting. So, I don’t attend the fair, but I LOVE the idea of one. That’s why our quadology is so fair/carnival-centric. It’s a great setting. And a great book series. Get it here. Anyway, the show.
Cruel Summer is set in 1993, 1994, and 1995. The way these time jumps were shot is MAGNIFICENT. I can’t stress enough how cool it is. So, it’s 1993, it’s summer time (duh), and nerdy Jeanette is at the mall kickin’ it with her two besties. She gets brave and makes verbal contact with the coolest girl in school, Kate Wallis, who is also, unbelievably, hella nice. And then Kate goes missing.
Over the course of 1994, Jeanette becomes cooler. She does a full Mona Vanderwaal, going from nerd (sidebar: there is nothing wrong with being a nerd. She had a great family, great friends – her hair was terrible, but that thing works itself out in the end.) to the new it girl. And then Kate is found.
What happens next? A whole bunch of shit. Law suits, bad Geraldo Rivera-style interviews, busted noses, busted marriages, that g-d snow globe. Truth. Lies. Something in between. A lot of shit, including the cutest roller skating party of all time.
Seriously. If someone wants to throw me this exact birthday party, I am so down. I love how every skating rink ever has that insane carpet, and they really commit to the crazy by also putting it on the walls. Like, why? I played roller derby for 8 years. I have seen many a skating rink, and they all have that bonkers carpet. I love it.
Anyway, I do not want to give too much more away because you should just watch the damn show already, but I do want to applaud Freeform on their handling of their Mr. Fitz-ish character. To me, the Ezra/Aria relationship is one of the few things Pretty Little Liars got wrong in the end. Cruel Summer comes with a barrage of trigger warnings and hotline information before you get to the good stuff, and I appreciate their efforts.
To me, Cruel Summer is the perfect show to get you ready for back-to-school. So, get to it!