So, last week I got my second Covid vaccine and, while I was thrilled as hell to get it, it knocked me on my ass. Straight laid me out. Last Saturday, I spent the whole day on the couch. I spent that time wisely, of course, I binge-watched an entire season of City on theContinue reading “Freaky Friday, but Make it Worse”
Category Archives: movie review
A Separate Peace of Shit or Frank Hardy and the Mystery of What Exactly Happened in that Goddamn Tree
0 Pretzels. After the testicle song, I kinda lost my appetite. That’s right. We’re ringing in the new year with a testicle song. I’d feel bad that the guy only had one, but he’s a Nazi, so does anyone even care? No. No one cares about Nazi balls. Look, when I realized we were actuallyContinue reading “A Separate Peace of Shit or Frank Hardy and the Mystery of What Exactly Happened in that Goddamn Tree”
You Can’t Start a Fire Without a Spark
It is also about denim. Lord, the denim. Anyone who knows me knows I am fond of a denim jacket. Javed somehow pulls off a jean, denim button up, and denim jacket combo. The trifecta of jeans. The holy trinity of denim. It’s glorious.
Just the Thought of Lying Makes Me Puke
I feel like it’s best if you don’t go in knowing too much about the story. It is a mystery, after all, but the basic deal is this:
A very famous mystery writer is found dead the morning after his birthday party and it’s initially ruled a tragic suicide but then famed detective Benoit Blanc enters the scene. He’s kind of like if Foghorn Leghorn was a gentleman sleuth and he calls the family together to question them one by one about the events at said birthday party.
5 pretzels. Grab your three best birches; it’s time to call the corners. I love everything about this movie. It is the perfect angsty teenage witch movie. And it has a killer cast. Skeet Ulrich, always greasy, portrays Chris beautifully. Neve Campbell, Robin Tunney, Fairuza Balk. It literally could not get better. Let’ pretend youContinue reading “The Craft”
Arachnophobia: Jeff Daniels Has Got Jokes, Y’all
In which I discover arachnophobia is as funny as it is terrifying.
Guaranteed to Make You Say, “Meh”
In which we learn that, sometimes, having a pocket full of drugs is not a bad idea.
I Don’t Care What You Did Last Summer
2 Pretzels. Readers, I regret to inform you that I Know What You Did Last Summer just really isn’t that good. Look, I was just as scared as you were back in my teens, but rewatching it was like, meh. It could be that we live in a terrifying dumpster fire time so getting guttedContinue reading “I Don’t Care What You Did Last Summer”
True Love Never Dies. Well, Sometimes it Does, but Then it Comes Back and Things Get Really Weird.
It’s really funny and kinda sweet. Plus, if you’ve ever wanted to see Aubrey Plaza just destroy a lifeguard tower this is absolutely the movie for you.
Do You Get All Your Murder Weapons at Home Depot? God, You’re So Butch!
Jennifer’s Body 4 Gore Covered Pretzels A lot of people slept on this movie. Blame it on terrible marketing and critics who didn’t get it. Blame it on the media for getting offended that Megan Fox wasn’t content to be a sentient blow up doll and insisted on having actual opinions and wanting to beContinue reading “Do You Get All Your Murder Weapons at Home Depot? God, You’re So Butch!”