Didn’t You Once Tell a Vampire to Eat a Dick?

Hey! I don’t know if you’ve noticed but it’s Spring! I freaking love Spring. I’m all energized and super happy. Manifesting stuff and cleaning and what not. It’s awesome. My Mom’s theories are generally pretty wack, right? But she does have this one theory that I think may hold water. It’s that whatever season you were born in is your favorite season. It seems to hold true for most people I know at least. And I was born right at the beginning of Spring. I also like early summer when it’s not so hot that you wanna die but everything smells like fresh cut grass and honeysuckle and the nights stretch out forever. That’s pretty rad too. It’s the perfect time to go for a night time drive with your windows down. I look forward to doing that. It’s almost time for the fireflies to come back.

Anyway, I’m rambling I know, but I accidentally had this XXXtreme 5 hour energy thing this afternoon and now I feel like a hummingbird. Your girl is WIRED. It’s like I can feel every molecule in my body right now. So probably drinking the energy thing was a mistake cause I’m gonna crash hard in a little while. Will I drink one again? Prolly, if I’m being honest I’ve survived drinking far worse. Those are stories for another time though. I’m technically supposed to be talking about some kind of entertainment thing so Imma just list some of my favorite things about the new season of Wynonna Earp.

Wynonna Earp Season 4 GIFs - Get the best GIF on GIPHY

I love Wynonna Earp and the fourth and possibly final season started three weeks ago. I’m enjoying the hell out of it. To be honest I always enjoy the hell out of Wynonna Earp but I’ve talked about that before, I think. The excellent thing about this season is they filmed it during the summer instead of the winter because of COVID stuff and the scenery is gorgeous. It’s gorgeous in the winter too but I had no idea Alberta was so green. Maybe instead of Vermont I want to live in Canada for a while? The winters are super cold but I’m always cold so that’s fine. Plus, the summers are much nicer than they are here. It’s something to think about.

Jordy 🌱 WE 4B Spoilers on Twitter: "Can we all just appreciate the  homestead in the summer #WynonnaEarp #BringWynonnaHome… "

So far this season the gang has used a T-shirt cannon, a lasso, and a supersoaker full of homemade kombucha to save their friend from being a moss ogre, they’ve encountered a Cupid who’s lost faith in love and become an exotic dancer, we’ve learned that love is in the butt. That means that I’m just a brimming with love then. My heart and my ass are so full. Literally. Also, there was a Halloween (the best holiday) episode where Doc Holiday dressed like Freddie Mercury and a scarecrow/jack ‘o lantern guy murdered a bunch of folks. People got their brains sucked out by a genie so a dolt could win trivia night, there was a chili cook off for freedom, and the normally straight laced Sheriff Haught drop kicked a roasted chicken across the police station in a fit of pique.

your laugh is like christmas — currently living for the idea of Nicole  drenching...

What’s not to like, right? Wynonna Earp is funny and exciting and heartwarming but also filled with absurd nonsense. It’s extremely my shit. I highly recommend it. Does this count as an entertainment blog now? I think it does.

So watch Wynonna if that feels like something you would enjoy. Or go find some nice grass to sit in and wiggle your fingers and toes in it. Absorb some sunshine and the delicious spring time weather. You deserve it. Until next time. I’ll be thinking of you.

Did Someone Forget to Turn Off the Burner?

NOPE! She’s finally gone.

Drag Race Season 13, Episode…whatever. I forget what week we’re on.

So, my wish finally came true. Tina Burner was sent packin’. And I couldn’t be happier.

Need Help Packing Beat It Queen GIF - NeedHelpPacking BeatItQueen -  Discover & Share GIFs

But this is a review blog, not a ’90s style slam notebook. Let’s get to it, shall we?

The Mini Challenge: Are you smarter than the Pit Crew?

Quick side bar. I love the Pit Crew, but it also makes me ashamed/uncomfortable when the queens drool over them and paw at them. Like, Bryce is a cutie pie. I bet he’s also hella cute in pants. I don’t know because I’ve only seen him in his sponsor undies. So, this season has been kind of a relief in that the Pit Crew is being used sparingly and are keeping their distance. So, it was a delight to see them, but then we’re just going to make fun of how dumb they are?

Back to the challenge. We played a little drag trivia and Kandy Muse was our winner. Surprising probably everyone.

The Main Challenge: Create a soda and sell it

I just have one question for you. Is your blood sugar low?

Drag Race' Recap: Season 13 Episode 11 — Utica Queen Vs. Tina Burner |  TVLine

Symone kilt it, to no one’s surprise. But let’s review all of them.

Utica: Gurrrrrrrl. I love her, but her commercial was…off putting. There was just way too much tongue involved for me to like it. Oh, You Don’t Like Tongues. I’m Sorry. < Title of LeRoux’s sex tape. Anyway, I was intrigued by the cow; she lost me with the suckling.

Kandy: She basically just wore a leopard print cat suit, danced, and said Kandy-esque things. It worked.

Tina Burner: She did a weird Viagra in a can thing. But she mostly screamed “Hellllllll yeahhhhhh” Randy Savage-style at an unsuspecting Bryce. She also had a tone deaf segment where she pretended to have sex with a priest. It was bad.

Gottmik: She pretty much just did Paris Hilton again this week. It was weird and awkward.

Olivia: Her concept was okay; she just didn’t super pull it off. Her soda was supposed to make you happy, but Olivia is always happy. The transition from happy to sad was underwhelming.

Rose: Her soda was all about perfection, and she was, well, perfect. She also turned some of her previous runway criticisms into perks of her soda, and she did it all while wearing a Jan robe.

Symone: Genius. She’s a genius. Sweet Toof was genius. All of it.
She and Rose took home the double win while Utica sent Tina Burner to the house.

The Runway: Category is: Beast

RuPaul's Drag Race — Allow me to introduce to you… Monsters INC.

Symone was a fox, Rose was a satyr, Kandy was…an alien? The runway was, overall, great. Just no one knows why Kandy went that route. I do like to imagine her in the room with all the other queens getting ready. Symone looked like an actual fox; Utica was a vision in black and fur; Olivia was full-on Monsters Inc. And Kandy was in a lime green cat suit complete with merkin with a blowup alien on her back. I was confused, but I applaud her confidence.

But the good news is, Tina fell flat, and we’re left with a six-pack of queens.

Okay, byyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeee.

Smoky Lynx

My Lovely Wife…is Maybe Not iSo Chill

Your girl is back, back, back with a book review. Lookie here, Covid made my brain crazy, and I wasn’t really able to retain much of what I read in January or February. But I appear to be back to full mental capacity. So, up first, My Lovely Wife by Samantha Downing.

4 Pretzels.

A Synopsis: In Brief.

Millicent and her husband have a great relationship. He’s a tennis pro, she’s a realtor, they and their two children are living the organic, grassfed, phone-free dinner life due to Millicent’s dope house management skills. She really is lovely. But, as you’ve probably guessed, things are not what they seem

Look, my life is a hot mess. I have the best intentions when it comes to cleaning, cooking, shopping, all that jazz but, unlike Millicent and her clan, with me, what you see is really what you get. Like, I probably just hid dirty dishes in the oven because I didn’t have time to clean or, more likely, I got distracted by something fun and just didn’t do my chorin’. So, it’s very light a candle and hope for the best when it comes to having visitors. What I’m saying is, there may not be dirty dishes in Millicent’s oven, but that’s because they’re too busy hiding much worse things in much worse places.

This is a thriller with twists and turns, so, if you plan on reading it, you may want to stop here.

VERY MILD SPOILERS AHEAD

We first meet “Tobias” in a bar. He pretends to be deaf to pick up women. I instantly hated. But, when he first took out his phone to type, “My name is Tobias. I’m…” I, for the briefest of moments, wanted it to say “am a never nude.”

There are literally dozens of us." Tobias Funke (nevernude) | Arrested  Development | Arrested development quotes, Movies, Favorite tv shows

That is not at all what happened. So, he goes home with this woman and you think, “Gross. This guy fakes being deaf to cheat on his wife.” But, readers, it is so much worse. Turns out, he and Millicent are more than just domestic partners. They are also muderin’ partners. He hunts women, lures them in, and then they kill them together. It’s like a date night, but really, really twisted.

Millicent flips the script and starts doing things that don’t fit their MO. Tobias – not his real name, but we never learn his real name – gets all in his narcissistic feelings about it.

Cobra Starship Literally My Favorite Band In 2008 GIF by mtv - Find & Share  on GIPHY

But Millicent, always the planner, has an idea. She knows exactly what she’s doing, so he should just chill and let her do her thing. This isn’t untrue. Millicent DOES know exactly what she’s doing. It’s just that, what she’s doing, is not gonna work out for Tobias.

I really don’t want to give much away because this book is super fun. It was recommended by a friend who is also super fun, so I knew I was going to enjoy it; I just didn’t realize how much I would enjoy. And I think it fixed my brain. Since then, I’ve been back to my normal reading level, and I’m actually remembering what I’ve read. It’s dope.

The perfect Huzzah Tobias Funke Animated GIF for your conversation.  Discover and Share the best GIFs on Tenor. | Tobias funke, My wife is, How  to grow taller

I think this one was so well done because it was written by a woman. Thrillers like Gone Girl and My Lovely Wife are legit better because they were written by women. The authors get the complexity of their characters and it shows. I highly recommend this one.

Okay, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Smoky Lynx

Snatch Game, Doppelgangers, & (sigh) Tina Burner

Okay, so, I skipped last week’s review. Here’s the thing, I had a whole ass presentation to do on Neptune and had a final to do. Earth Science has been the bane of my existence for the last eight weeks. It’s been a lot, y’all. But it’s over. And I got an A.

Alaska Alaska Thunderfuck GIF - Alaska AlaskaThunderfuck RuPaulsDragRace GIFs

So, here we are, we’re doing two weeks at once.

Let’s get started, shall we?

Also, side bar, Neptune is dope as hell. Anyway, back to Drag Race.

Main Challenges: Snatch Game and Makeover

Like every snatch, this one had its ups and downs. Its good moments and its cringier moments.

The highlights:

  1. Symone
  2. Symone again
  3. Literally everything Symone did

Seriously, she made Harriett Tubman hilarious. So, so funny, but because Symone is whip smart, she also dropped in a few Tubman tidbits, and I was LIVING for it. Her runway was also stunning and delivered one hell of a message. I gasped when she turned around. I loved it and, no shade toward Gottmik, but Symone won that episode in my mind. GM did a great job, I just feel like recycling the same old Paris Hilton jokes for the early aughts is, well, old. I’m tired of watching folks make fun of Paris Hilton. You know who else is probably tired of it? Paris Hilton. I mean, I saw the Insta reaction. She handled it like a champ, but get some new material, guys.

Speaking of someone who needs to get knew material, does Tina Burner know it’s 2021? She just reminds my of when you’re a kid and you stick balloons in your shirt and play with your new insane boobs. That’s Tina’s whole jam, and I am over it. I’m just asking for one episode without a weird Tina boob situation. It’s yet to happen.

So, our Elliott with 2 Ts went home. I think it was her time. Her Rue McClanahan was basically just her saying, “I like dudes” over and over. It was about as layered as Joey Jay’s “I’m a gay ass bitch” catchphrase. We were down to eight going into this week. And, somehow, one of them is Tina Burner.

One of my favorite episodes of the season is the makeover challenge. They did it Covid-style and just paired up and made over each other. But, because it’s Drag Race, they were paired up by a psychic after Utica was visited by her childhood cow friend. It sounds weird, but, hey, it tracks. Build up those mind fortresses, kids, psychics are everywhere. Or don’t. I don’t care. But I’m keeping my shit locked down.

So, the best part of this most recent episode was Rose talking mad shit about Tina’s drag aesthetic. Michelle and Carson accidentally got in on the action when they said Tina as Rose was the best Tina has ever looked. And they were not wrong. Symone and Utica were paired up and shared this week’s win. They deserved it. They really embodied each other’s whole vibe. Denali was sent home, and I’m a little bit mad about. She essentially got sent home because Olivia did a bad job making her over. I don’t agree with it, but it’s not my show.

Next week we have another product placement acting challenge. I haven’t even seen it yet, but can any of them ever be this good?

Alaska Thunder Drag GIF - AlaskaThunder Drag Race GIFs

Okay, l8tr sk8rs.

Smoky Lynx

Tom and Jerry Have Nothing on Lynx & LeRoux

Hullo! I was totally gonna write about the Tom and Jerry movie this week. See, I was fascinated with it. Chloe Grace Moretz is in it and she’s a really good actor, right? So I figured that this had to be a secretly cool and smart Tom and Jerry jam. I used my purloined HBOMax password to watch it yesterday and it is decidedly not cool. Or smart.

I mean, it’s fine. It’d be ok to watch with the kids but it was not great. I’m not gonna spend a whole blog dunking on it though.

Instead I’m going to tell you a story about young Lynx & LeRoux. A prequel, lets say. Back in the day we both worked at a bookstore and it was pretty rad like 75% of the time. We worked at night and our whole deal was that we would work super hard and get everything done by 10 and then spend the hour before close patrolling for any sort of mischief that we could get up to. Sometimes that meant one of us (not me) doing whippets in the cafe, sometimes it meant playing elaborate pranks on coworkers. One particular night it meant ceiling repair.

There was this leak in the ceiling by the front registers and the tile underneath it was cartoonishly swollen. It was positively pregnant with captured condensation and we couldn’t take our eyes off of it. So we decided that it would be both fun and super helpful to release that water. For safety. The problem with that was, (and this will surprise literally no one), that we were reckless idiots. Of course, we’ve grown immeasurabley as people since then and now Ryanne prefers the label “moron” whilst I feel that “dumbass” fully captures the entire rainbow of my foolishness. I’m a DeVitto and a dumbass and I own that about myself.

Are you a dumbass? (Oh, pardon me, I meant a self-centered ignoramus of  epic proportions) | musings from the trenches

We felt that a ladder was both cumbersome and inelegant so we decided that Ryanne should just stand on a grey rolling cart that I would steady with my masterful strength. Now, how to pierce the water logged heart of that tile? After several minutes of hysterical laughter we decided that we simply needed to liberate a knife from the cafe and attach it to the handle of a broom with 7000 yards of box tape. Thus we fashioned the most idiotic spear known to man and pushed the grey cart to the front. Meanwhile out manager, Shannon, pointedly ignored us and what the hell we were doing because she didn’t get paid enough to interfere with our tomfoolery.

Movie A Day 78/365 "Empire Records" 'Damn the Man, save the Empire!' -  Album on Imgur

So after several near disastrous attempts Rye was able to scramble onto the wobbly ass cart that I could in no way keep steady and I handed her our homemade spear. Then we both nodded sagely as she stabbed the hell out of that poor tile. Not much happened really, at least not at first. Then a tiny trickle of water seeped out and we were both just hella disappointed. Ryanne managed to hop off the moving cart without breaking her neck and then it happened.

The tile just disintegrated and exploded outward and directly onto us and the V.C. Andrews section. We were showered in tiny bits of wet plaster that was surely filled with mold. It was SO exciting though! There were more than flowers in the attic that night, I tell ya. After the elation faded though we realized that we had to clean it all up and trooped to the back with our spear like, “Shannon, the weirdest thing just happened. Somehow-through no fault of our own- the ceiling has exploded. :/”

And then we laughed uproariously as we wiped the gunk off of V.C and threw a tarp over the whole mess. And we just left the damned spear laying on the back counter for the morning shift to find.

That’s the kind of stuff I used to get up to on the daily and it’s really a wonder neither one of us was electrocuted. Or like, maybe Ryanne would have been electrocuted and then stabbed me with our spear as she tumbled off the cart. I don’t know. Things like that are why if you told 24 year old me that I would be pretty much the same at this age I would be both shocked and disappointed. Nevertheless, I was and remain pretty freaking fun. I think a movie about any number of our bookstore adventures would be more fun than Tom and Jerry, is what I’m trying to say. Until next time.

Thats All Folks GIFs | Tenor

I Take Cave Hag as a Compliment!

Man, I love Adventure Time. It’s such a cool, fun cartoon and it teaches people all sorts of valuable lessons about life and acceptance and trauma. I wish cartoons like that had been around when I was a kid. Instead, I had Scooby Doo but really he just taught me the values of binge eating and cowardice. Also, that ghost pirates are really scary which is a pretty valuable lesson, but still.

Anyway, I’m a little late to the party on the Adventure Time movies but in all fairness they’re on HBO Max and paying for all of those subscription sites is dumb and I’m not gonna do it. Lucky for me someone gave me their password. So, of course I watched Marceline’s movie. It’s called Obsidian and I loved it.

The main deal of this one is that there’s this glass kingdom, see, and a long time ago it was just terrorized by an angry dragon. He was breathing fire and melting folks left and right. Until a great hero showed up and defeated the dragon with the power of her super awesome song. That hero was Marceline. So every year the glass kingdom has this ceremony where they wear moderately creepy Marcy masks and sing what they think are the words that helped to trap the dragon.

Glass Boy is Marcy’s very biggest fan. He loves reading and he’s really sweet but he has a crack on his face and the most of the other glass people are real jerks about it and tease him. It brings to mind the old saying “People who have glass bodies shouldn’t be dicks” or also throw stones because of safety. But these glass people are, in fact being dicks, and it sucks because it just a scar. We all have ’em and scars are cool because they tell stories about who you are. Some stories are more fun than others but they’re all valuable.

Adventure Time: Distant Lands Previews "Obsidian" Song; New Key Art

The dragon is threatening to escape and so Glass Boy goes on an epic journey to find the brave warrior Marceline. Surely, she’s out fighting bad guys still and is just a rarin’ for a fight. Except she’s not. She’s all cozied up in domestic bliss with Princess Bubblegum. Just making pies and putting together bookshelves and being happy. So, when Simon (not Ice King but Simon!) brings glass boy to their house Marcy and PB aren’t really down to fight a dragon. They broke up in the Glass Kingdom and that’s bad memories that they don’t want to revisit but Glass Boy is all cute and needs them so they load up on a super rad motorcycle, ( I know. Motorcycles are dangerous and I can’t have one), and they journey over to the Glass Kingdom to put the smack down on this dickhole dragon.

But the song doesn’t work anymore. Marcy wrote it when she was all hurt and angry at PB and while it’s catchy as hell it’s truly hateful. It’s what ended things. Which just goes to show that sometimes you can be standing right next to the absolute love of your life but you still need to do some work before you’re ready to be together. Anyway, it doesn’t work because Marcy is truly happy now. PB and Marcy get each other and balance each other out and they work as this flawless team now.

So Marcy has to revisit her very tragic past to find the song that will defeat the dragon and it’s beautiful and sad. We get to spend some more time with Marcy’s mom, who is great, but we also cry a whole bunch because she didn’t make it and Marcy thinks that her mom left because she was bad. And that must be why PB left too. She is a monster after all.

Adventure Time: Distant Lands Episode 2 Obsidian | Watch cartoons online,  Watch anime online, English dub anime

Except she’s not. Marcy mom and PB and lots of other people love her just the way she is and Marcy finally realizes that. So she comes back to fight the dragon with her girl. I don’t want to spoil too much but Marcy comes up with the perfect song.

King Princess, who I also like, does a cover of it but Olivia Olsen’s voice is really pretty so this is the clip I’m using.

I really needed some heartwarming Adventure Time time so I’m glad I waited so long to watch it. If you get a chance you should watch it too. It’s funny and sweet and full of good music and everybody needs a reminder about how to slay dragons every now and then.

Rusical? More Like Snoozical.

season 6 6x4 GIF by RuPaul's Drag Race

I’m sorry, Mama, but facts are facts. I know it’s been a week since I watched the episode, but I am pressed to remember a single detail about the rusical itself. It was social media themed, and that’s about all I know.

Here’s what I do know, I would like to get through just one episode without Tina Burner doing a John Irving style tittie flip. She reminds me of a little kid when they put big ole balloons in their shirt and then plays with their new found boobies. Except Tina Burner is at least 35. At least. Two weeks ago it was bead titties, last week it was literal headlight titties. She can’t get enough of them. I, however, have had my fill.

Okay, to the actual review.

Mini Challenge: Y’all, I don’t have a clue. Not one. I’d have to rewatch, and I’m just not in to this season enough to do that.

Main Challenge: Social Media Rusical.

Everyone is cast as a different social media platform. The best part about it was Utica standing up for herself and insisting on the part she wanted. And then she KILLED it. Murdered it dead. All while being a sweet, sweet angel baby. I love Utica, and would really like her to wrap me in what I imagine would be a wonderful hug. She seems like a great hugger. I also love her ability to seamlessly (literally) wear two halves of two different shirts sewn together…seamlessly. It’s a real talent.

Bring it to the Runway: Category is Yellow

When I first hear yellow, my first thought was Symone. And then cartoon hearts exploded over my head. Symone was made for this runway. She looked stunning in yellow. Absolutely stunning. As a white woman, I can say this. Yellow is tricky for those of us with paler skin. I, for example, only wear yellow when I want to be sent home sick from work. It does something truly terrible next to my skin. Symone, though. guuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrl. She came out in a Versace Big Bird situation and kilt it. All the girls looked lovely, either using their skin tone to enhance the color or, in Gottmik’s case, not allowing any of her skin to actually show. Which was smart. She’s one who would clash with yellow. I honestly don’t even remember who won, but was thrilled with the Symone/Kandy double save.

You guys, I have to say, I’m a little disappointed in the challenges this season. What’s next?

Episode 2 GIF by BBC Three

Then, to top it all off, we didn’t get a real episode this week. We got a Covid related documentary episode. Look, I’m very glad all the queens got to film the season and that they felt safe doing so. What I wasn’t really ready for was a look back and, what is decidedly, the worst year ever. Here I am, still unable to smell anything save for the phantom cigarettes that seem to be with me constantly, wanting to be entertained, and I get a Covid documentary. I almost didn’t watch, but I’m glad I did. It was nice to see how they managed to film safely and hear the queen’s perspectives.

I missed the blog last week because I was cooking up a veganized southern style Sunday supper for my book club. Chicken fried tofu, vegan mac and cheese, grits, and greens. It was so, so good. And good for the soul. Hence the name soul food. Duh. So, next week we’re back to normal Drag Race. It’s the Snatch Game, so it will be equal parts good and cringey.

Okay, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Smoky

Damn, The Bobbsey Twins are Hardcore

So I’m going to yammer about the new Nancy Drew show again. It’s good, so good, and more people should watch it. I wish I could watch it with you, in fact. All curled up on the couch late at night getting the pants scared off me by by the various and sundry paranormal beings that populate almost every square inch of whatever the name of the town Nancy lives in is. I think it’s Horseshoe Bay. Imma call it Corpseshoe Bay. Because it is littered with corpses and supernatural entities but it still has a real quaint kind of charm. Like, all of the shops there are probably spelled shoppe but also the shoppe is owned by a ghost but nobody know that the shoppe keep is a ghost until they find a clue about it in a hidden compartment underneath an abandoned orphanage and then Nancy demands that said paranormal proprietor helps her and the crew solve a clue. That’s the kind of town it is. I’ve been wanting to go to New England lately and I think it’s entirely because this show combines weird folklore, and spooky things with beautiful scenery. I know, it’s silly, but I’ve still been thinking about it.

Another thing I love is how the source of so many of the paranormal mysteries they solve turn out to be that institutionalized misogyny is a machine that turned any number of women into monsters and robbed them of their humanity and really all of the assholes in town are the villains. Take, for instance, the Aglaeca.

She’s a hella powerful sea witch that the crew summons to politely request the bones of a tragically dead teenager who keeps showing up and crawling around on Nancy’s ceiling and what have you. They do themselves a little researchin’ and find out that the Aglaeca used to be a really smart, very rich, queer lady from France that the town founders murdered and robbed and threw in the ocean and that’s why she’s so pissed.

Nancy even takes the time to berate this self important history guy who writes the Aglaeca off as unimportant to history. She’s like, “Sure, sure, the Aglaeca is trying to kill me and my friends because we tried to do take backsies on a clearly no take backsies blood oath but that on us. Before she was a monster she was a super cool badass and the town founders have her blood on their hands. Screw off, Captain Tweed Coat. I gotta go talk to a ghost about a cipher hidden in a hymnal.”

That’s the girl detective we’re dealing with here. She’s smart and prickly and she has no time for anyone’s bullshit. She’s on a mission. Always. A mission for THE TRUTH. And it’s fun to watch her and her friends be far more complicated than the books would ever allow. The stories are tight and things like Dybbuk boxes (Jewish Folklore!) show up and are casually used to try and capture angry spirits. Oh, and the Bobbsey Twins showed up in the first episode. In this Corpseshoe bay they are not rosy cheeked blond children. They’re grown up Southeast Asian con artists with nerves of steel. It’s really fun.

For the record, I have nothing against rosy cheeked blonds. Back when I was little I myself had curly blonde, blonde hair. I have no idea what happened with my hair. Maybe Nancy and the crew can come down here and solve the mystery of my never settling hair and eye color. I don’t think there are any ghosts around here but I do have some serious cosmic shit happening. Or maybe my next door neighbor is actually the shade of a long dead cowgirl who watches over the land. That would be a real hoot to find out. Anyway. Nancy Drew. It’s good and it’s smart and you should watch it. Trust me.

Bossy Rossy: After Dark

Drag Race Season 13, Episode 6: A Review

3 Pretzels

Actually, no. I’m docking half a pretzels for that abysmal mini challenge. But, okay, let’s get into it, shall we?

Mini Challenge: The library is open…

Because reading is what? FUNDAMENTAL.

I look forward to the reading challenge every season. It’s a chance for the queens to blow off some steam and be good-natured assholes to one another. You guys, this was the WORST reading challenge in Drag Race herstory. Pathetic, truly. Thank the gods Ru looked amazing in his all black ensemble so we at least had something nice to look at.

Just sittin’ here, waiting for the shade.

Image result for miz cracker gifs

Gottmik won but wasn’t funny enough to actually talk about, so let’s move on.

The Main Challenge: Bossy Rossy After Dark

We’re bringing back the Ross Matthews talk show challenge, and I am here for it. Improv challenges make me nervous as hell, but Ross is always fun so it makes it more tolerable.

Our skits/groups were are follows:

My Imaginary Boyfriend Got Me Pregnant: Denali, Rose`, LaLa Ri.

They did an okay job but, as will all improv, they fell into the “I’ll just scream louder than my partners while also doing my best hillbilly accent” trap. The fake southern accents are a real problem for me. Anyway, Rose` was fine, Denali was fine, LaLa struggled a bit.

I Escaped a Mime Cult: Gottmik, Olivia, Utica

Gottmik was great, Olivia killed it while not saying a word, and Utica was weird, but maybe not in a good way.

Basically, I’m Paris Hilton: (not the actual name, but I don’t remember) Kandy and Symone.

These two were perfect.

Image result for miz cracker gifs pickle

Truly. Kandy didn’t act like herself and was a delight. Symone was perfection from the moment she climbed the fence until she left.

And they did it all without screaming. Not one scream the entire time.

I Have a 600 Pound Ass: Tina Burner and Elliott.

Too terrible to even mention.

The Runway: Bead It!

I’m not going to go through all the looks, but I will say I disagree with the judges. Symone should have won. She did equally as well in the challenge and her runway was amazing.

Elliott and LaLa were in the bottom and, unfortunately, LaLa was sent home. I wish the judges could see workroom Lala, because she is hilarious and wonderful. She brought joy to the workroom, and I will miss her.

Oh, the best thing about this week is, I pinned down why I simply cannot with Tina Burner. Elliott is struggling. She confided in Tina, telling her she suffers from clinical depression and is having a moment. Tina confides in Elliott that her mother struggled with depression, so she has seen firsthand what it can do to someone. And I thought we were having a moment. I saw Tina as a caring person who is maybe going to be a good friend to Elliott. I 180ed on Tina. Then she said, essentially, “People who have depression are a real bummer to deal with.”

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I 180ed again, putting me right back where I started. Because math. So, yeah, jury has been dismissed, my decision has been made. I don’t care for her. This isn’t the first time she put her two cents in where it wasn’t exactly asked for, so it’s a running theme for her. I’m done.

While this week was better than last, it still wasn’t great. I think Season 12 preemptively ruined it. It’s not the queens’ fault. Season 12 was just packed with talent, hilarity, killer looks, and grace. It’s going to be hard to top.

Okay, byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,

Smoky Lynx

The Woman Upstairs: A Review

3 Pretzels.

You should know that The Woman Upstairs by Hawkins is a modern retelling of Jane Eyre. Look, I hate Jane Eyre. Like, with a passion. Jane as a person bugs the hell out of me, Edward is whatever, I don’t care about his ward, or any of the cousins. The only person I have any time for is Bertha Rochester. She’s the “crazy” one upstairs. If you have somehow not read Jane Eyre, first of all, congratulations.

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Secondly, it goes like this:

Jane is an orphan. She has an orphanage bestie who dies. Jane ages out of the system and gets a job at the Rochester place as governess or tutor or whatever to Edward’s ward. Jane and Edward make google eyes at each other, and he finally asks her to marry him. But while all this is going on, little fires keep popping up in the Rochester estate. Everyone is like, “No biggie. It’s the 1800s. Shit just catches on fire.” The wedding day is finally upon us, and some dude ruins it by being like, “Hold up. Steady Eddie here is already married to my sister.” Jane, for some reason, is overcome by embarrassment and runs away from home. After about half an hour on the outside, she’s destitute and half dead when a crew who turn out to be her long-lost relatives take her in. The Rochester abode eventually burns the hell down, killing Bertha Rochester, the wife, and injuring Edward in the process. He and Jane get married.

Here’s my problem. Everyone is like, “Bertha crazy, y’all.” Maybe, and just hear me out, part of the reason she keeps trying to set everyone ablaze is because she is literally a prisoner. Bertha just needs a good meal, some Vitamin D, and to be let out of her prison. She’s not crazy, she’s pissed.

So, I hate the whole book. Jane is on my nerves, and I care way more about Bertha Rochester, which leads me to the retellings. I keep waiting for a rendition where Bertha is given her moment to shine. I thought The Wife Upstairs might be it. I absolutely don’t want to give away any plot twists but, while I ultimately liked it, it wasn’t the Bertha love story I was hoping for. Maybe I just need to write one my damn self.

So, The Wife Upstairs. Jane – if that’s even her real name (it isn’t) – grew up in the foster system, and now she is an aggressively mad dog walker. I will say, her initial tone and attitude were a turn off, but I got over it pretty quickly. Also, I did the audio version and, occasionally, southern drawl was a little more Foghorn Leghorn than it needed to be, but I was interested enough to look past that, too. But am I? Guys, I know we have a distinct accent. I get it. But we don’t all talk like cartoon roosters or someone from the show Swamp People.

We have all our key Jane Eyre characters: Jane, Helen, Edward, Bertha, John Rivers. They’re all present in pretty creative, modern takes on their original selves.

Jane and Edward both have some secrets. Bertha, who goes by Bea, is a successful designer, owner of the Southern Manors brand. She and her bestie, Blanche, have a frenemy situation going on. There’s plenty of underhanded shade.

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So, basically, the drama is there. The plot twists are there. It’s a good read, probably the best Jane retelling I’ve read to date. Until, of course, I write my ode to Bertha. My tribute to the woman who is ALWAYS, ALWAYS cast as the villain. I mean, she might be crazy, but she for her story to be told.

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So, check out the book. Let me know what you think.

Okay, byyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeee,

Smoky Lynx